Communication

Something I am apparently really bad at when it comes to relationships. I do self sabatoge. I dont understand how I do it. I seem disinterested I seem un caring and express things to someone who doesnt need to know it in the beginning.

I presented myself to someone I am starting to care about, someone i feel really nurturing towards, he looks at me now like i used to be a big slut who got trashed all the time and he doesnt know how to look at me anymore. The funny thing is even if i was permiscuous in the past, its the past. I wan't an okay person back then. I had my share of issues. But he is the first person that has ever made me feel like i should feel guilty for those choices. I never regret. I pride myself on not living with regrets. But Why then, now, do i feel so shitty. I tell myself that he wouldnt bring this up if he didnt care. I should have called him and talked about the way i said things that day but i was scared. I let fear get in the way of resolving a situation. A situation that now has settled for two days and now he has some major built up anger.

I dont know how to show how good a person I am. I dont know how to prove myself. Do i need to. should I care about this person who seems to make me feel bad about my past without trying to make me feel bad. I have so many thoughts running through my brain I dont know when they will slow down.

I texted him with nonshalant texts to see how he was doin and never wrote back, never called until today. He says I should have called him...he could have called me too. Said i needed to clear things up and talk about this bomb i dropped. In my mind its not a big deal. But it seems that this person tends to get between all my relationships. lately. I dont know what that means but maybe it means something.

I am hurting. I am confused. Lost. and in so much pain and scared s hitless that i have to go over to his house tonight and try to express who i really am, who I am today. I need to show him that i am not like other people. I am good. I am a good person. I made some bad choices in my life but i dont regret them and i wouldnt know they were bad if i didnt care. I wouldnt be who i am today if i hadnt made some of those decisions in my life.

I dont know if this is worth it anymore. I feel so much anger coming off of him. I thought he could be someone who i would really relate to, who wouldnt hold things against me. I just hope thats how he will be in judging the situation.

I just hope that im not trying to look for a relationship where there can never be one. Ive done that in the past as most of my friends know and I need to make a mark in changing my future so I dont repeat past mistakes.

Honesty---

So being honest isn't always the best thing to do. What happens when someone says the past doesnt matter but they they ask you a question that has to deal with the past. SHould youjust reply= Id rather not talk about it!? Not in my mind because that would cause only more speculation! So honesty was the route i took and it seems to be blowing up in my face. Well if it wasnt meant to be...again...it wasnt meant to be. Im just so tired of this bull shit. There are a lot of things wrong with him but for some reason i want it. I want to take the bad and find the good. Theres a lot of love in his heart hes just holding back because of fear.

Fear is evil. Why the hell are we so scared to be open with what we want and need? I dont think god wanted us to be afraid. He want's us to be ourselves. Good and Bad.

with the past, whatever sins ive commited against myself and my body are things I have to deal with and will be dealing with my whole life. I dont think it should determine who i am as a person. It is who i could have been but chose not to. I took the opportunity to change the way i was living my life. I am now happy, growing in the business, and wanting to take chances in my life that i havent wanted to do before.

I wish he could see me for the me i am now and not the me he never knew.

My Luck could be changing...lots of summary in this one!

So... I've been all about the no dating thing for almost a year! wow...but I've been doing things differently. No sex but Ive recently been on dates with a couple different guys. The first being a nice guy who thinks hes bad or trouble and he was really hard to break through to. He's just very lethargic in what he wants I think. I was trying to make it something it wasnt ever going to be. No real connection = Move on in my book. There's no time to waste on people who don't have the energy to give back. The second was a guy who was wayyyyyyy too in to his cats. Single, Living on his own, Dont know how old he was. Hes a nice guy, really great, artsy, talented. But maybe im prejudging, I just cant see why a single guy would live with three cats. One cat is acceptable even though its still a little strange. But 3 cats...the house looked like a human cat house, with ropes hanging from the ceiling and a perch for the cats/humans who want to climb up there.

Looked fun but I just wonder what a man of his age would be doing home alone messin around with his cats and prolly playing like they do. Also, the audacity to smoke weed alone before taking me to the beach to watch a sunset for 20 seconds...i didnt get to eat so i was starving and the best part of the date was when i was leaving!...



So i decided to try a different way of meeting people...Plentyoffish.com...I had talked to some people but no one really jumped out at me. Its pretty much a site like hotornot, people are vain and try too hard to look good. I think my profile really does show a good side of who I am but no one will be good enough for me I think.

Well, last friday at Rebeccas show, I saw a guy who intrigued me. He seemed unapproachable because of his look. Just shows ya that first impressions aren't always the true side of a person. Well I kept making eye contact with him and eventually saw that he was friends with Eric. Eric introduced us, Jason. A name to put with those eyes. Beautiful brown eyes. We talked a lil later outside for a few seconds, I found out he was 34, 10 years my senior. But he didnt look it at all. I decided he didnt seem that interested so i went back to talking to other people.



When we all got back to rebeccas, i decided to show Caitlin a guy on POF that would seem to be her type. The guys walked in and i was trying to get rid of a guy IM'ing me. Jason and Beruz came in and were commenting on POF and how Jason was on it too. We then had a start to what ended up being a 3 hour conversation.



We have so many things in common, with the fact of growing up catholic and now we both go to christian churches, we are both tired of the bullshit and drama, his brother is 12 years younger than he is, My sis and i are 12 years apart. ..more and more things that just seemed like GOD was hitting me over the head, saying take him now....The kicker was when i was leaving- He got a glimps of my birthmark and kind of had this shock on his face. I asked what?...he turned around and lifted his shirt and we both had a similar birth marks but on opposite sides. I have never met someone with the same kind of marking. It was strange and just another thing that rang true to me.



We ended up hanging out the sunday after- had a deep discussion at McClures that got me in tears, i was amazed how open and honest he was with me and let me have it for being stupid in past situations. He really made me realize that i cant be friends with guys who have fucked me over. I have been hurt, it has an affect on me and I shouldnt let that kind of negativity in to my life. I need to be done. Im in the process of doing that. But I just hope that if I do this, if i continue on my path of weeding out the negative in my life that it will lead to something great.



We ended up spending that night together and the whole next day together and its like this thing that you get a taste of...Like buying a new pair of jeans and wanting to wear them everyday but you cant. I havent seen him since monday, Its only been a collection of texts back and forth but I just cant stop from thinking about him. This is the part I hate.



I hate having that thing that takes all my attention away. I just want to get ot the finish line without going through the small stuff, but the small stuff is the fun stuff and I have to remember that. He seemed completely ready to explore what we could have but my brain just turns in negative...i see the possibility of getting hurt rather than the possibility of being really happy.

I dont know when I got to be so negative. But he gives me hope. I hope that I am right about my gut and that he is something special that I want to explore what kind of relationship we could have.



There are obstacles-my parents and their ideals because he is 10 years older than me with an 11 year old little boy...but the fact of the matter is that I DONT CARE....if anything, the devotion he has to his son is even more heartwarming and makes me want to see what love he has in his heart.

Its strange because my dad married my mom when my sister was 11, its almost like im in my dads shoes, a lot more lately. With the alcohol and the way ive been living my life. Jason and I would never have met if it hadnt been for rebeccas show that i was late for. He and I would never have seen each other on POF, or maybe we would have...but the fact is I am getting a chance to see where this chance could lead.



Im opening my heart again-Im scared to do it but im not scared of what i feel already for someone i barely know. I keep thinking about that idea that everyone was born with a counterpart and they make it through one life after the next searching for one another until they find each other. Some force of nature has a hold on our lives and it causes happiness and pain. Maybe were suppose to endure all the pain in order to see what true happiness is really about. Pure and simple love.

Inspiration out the door

I was on my way home tonight from hanging out with a good friend and I had such a good feeling fuel through me. An epiphany I guess you could say, about all i want to do and how i want to live my life. Music and art and care free. I want to be able to sit on the beach and jam or write. I want to fuel my passion through the earth and the beauty that surrounds us and the world that we often times forget to stop and look at.

The rain washes away the dirt and the sun dries up the rain, our world has a way of cleaning itself and all we tend to do is clutter and make it ugly as beautiful as it is. I have always had passion inside me, I just never know where to look to see what I should do with that passion. I try writing but I can never collect my thoughts. I have so many things that I want to do in my life. Europe on no money, work my way from city to city. I would love to do that! soooo why don't I. Why don't I pick up and experience life, the world the environment around me.

I only have one thing that comes to mind. I want to experience all of that with someone. I dont want to have the stories and no memories to share, no secret love for what weve experienced. I think that is why I want to bring friends from here with me to portugal, so I can explore with them, to show them, teach them something and have them teach me. That is why my relationship with Joel(aka the brazilian) was so special to me. We saw things, we taught each other things, we made love, I havent felt loved by a man the way he made me feel. Passion. It fuels so many things, passion for life. I have passion for life and living and I cant keep sitting on my ass and in a concrete building. I need to get out there.

I am tired of seeing the concrete, the pollution, the destruction. I know there is beauty still surviving. Beauty in people, in the earth. I'm prolly on a hippie kick but I just want to experience life, we were given this once change to feel things and experience things and people are so scared...scared shitless of being nothing, of not leaving their mark. We all leave a mark, it just depends of if youve left a good mark or one thats going to help with the destruction of this beautiful life we have been given. Who knows how it was given, who knows why? Who cares? We are here and we need to make the most of it. We werent made to sit in boxes looking at a screen all day.

We werent given these amazing brains, the ability to create if we weren't suppose to be using them to create things to make this world better. We are all born and we will all die. Its this precious time the 80 years, maybe, that we are here to show and do something to keep this amazing planet alive. It's really amazing. And we don't notice it enough.

DREAMS: Luke Perry

Sooooo I always love when I have random dreams with friends and people I dont know in them...and they happen to be in color. So last night:

I go to church with grayce and traycee i think and i know anthony was there for some reason and alex walters. I asked alex how to get to the restrooms and he couldnt really give me detailed directions so i went to figure it out on my own after he tried to draw it on a piece of paper. Sooo i go to the stairs and take it down to a hallway where there were tons of people, grayce and traycee ended up there too...then went in and out and was suppose to go up another stairwell or elevator. so we try to race some other people by taking the elevator because we thought that would be faster...who knows why. We end up going against tons of people to get back up the stairs because everyone else was going toward the elevator. The building seemed like a run down high school. Until we get in to this hall- a great hall that had four different ways to go...it looks familiar to me- like something i may have seen in europe in a museum or something. so i seperate from my friends who went to wait to get back in the main room where the band was playing, i walked through a different door and heard the beatles songs being sung by all all black baptist choir, i ended up getting the mic and harmonizing with them and walking around meeting people. Anthony ended up in this room- it was laid out like a church but missin a wall where there was an ocean. I see a bunch of people groovin on this tiny boat and there is LUKE PERRY...jammin out. The boat came ashore and he started jokin with us about something, then Dunkin showed up and it seemed like they knew each other. Luke put on some big parka kinda of jacket that was Camo and inflated itself...and he went swimming in the ocean...its pitch black and theres a harbor patrol boat shinning a light into the water he swims up behind them as they pass and gets out joking with us about how he is invisible.

NO CLUE why I had sucha vivid dream...church...water and Luke perry goin nuts. But he seemed really chill in my dream. I was thinking maybe i watched something with him in it but i didnt before goin to bed and havent seen anything hes done in ages. SOOOO who knows. My mind never ceases to amaze me!

Security

Security- it's all something we want and sometimes don't know the best ways to go about getting it. Whether Security be that in a relationship or in career, in home life, or in financial life. Its something we all want. But there never is enough security. Things can change so quickly and you could never know what hit ya. My Goal for this week is to try and be secure with myself. I am a great person. I am talented(somewhat) I have friends who care about me and I care about them(fuck all the ones who dont) and I have a family who (while crazy and emotional) still supports me in what I want to do. I like men, I don't need to feel secure in a relationship because by trying TOO hard I will in turn push that person away sooooo...secure with the fact that I don't NEED anyone, I just want to spend time with someone(whoever that someone may be).

I think I am going to try to set goals for myself every week. No thinking badly about myself. No sulking. If I sulk I will put my time in to writing and let my feelings out that way. Hopefully in to poetry or a script. I am going to try my luck at new things...SO my goals for this week are : to find security within myself and to not drink until st. pattys day!

randomness of the mind

I find it funny that the only time I feel like writing on this thing is when Im pissed off or depressed. That seems to be a lot lately. I wish I wasn't feeling like Im hopeless. I know in my mind Im not but the rest of me isnt so sure. I think I just really miss being wanted by someone other than my close friends. And even that definition has changed lately. My friends, or the circles at least, have shifted. I feel like I'm being pushed out of one and gaining another which is great, its a positive group but I miss the past. I know we can't live in the past but I miss it. I only miss it because its still right in front of me. Part of me wants to pick up and move as far away from here as possible. Start fresh. I love starting fresh. You can change who you are or finally be who you are. Im still young enough to decide what I want to do so maybe, who knows. I really want to try out the east coast. I would love to move to boston or New Hampshire and live with my cousin Jude but I can't say that I would be happy there. It does get really cold haha. There's always portugal. The bar. My friends over there. They will always be there for me. My friends and portugal are the least fickle, the least changing. I know i will always have them through any thing. Even the bad times when i know they are being dicks. Its a never changing environment. No one is jealous of the other, its simple. I like that.

I wrote a long letter to my ex, Joel, the other day. I pretty much just said I understand why he thinks we cant be together and that even though were so different and it would probably never work out, he is still and will probably always be the love of my life. I know its cheezy but the way that Stephanie Meyers talks about the love between Edward and Bella in the Twilight series is spot on. Its a love you cannot fight no matter how far away. Its only similar in my case because we are from different walks of life, we have different languages and different ways of communicating. I wish I could jump on a plane-again-and fly to barcelona to see him. But it would most likely be harder on me than him when it came time for me to leave. Theres always that...me leaving. What if one day I didn't. Anyway, he wrote back saying he im on his mind all the time-i dont know if its true but i dont doubt it. He wasnt to call me but Im afraid my portuguese isnt as good as it once was. I wish I would just meet someone who makes me forget him. Gabe came close until he didn't come any closer. Its the ones who love me that are the smart ones-they stay away. The crazy ones just want to use me. well at least thats how it feels. I suppose they feel like its a mutual help but to me sex isnt fun anymore if it isnt with someone i have strong feelings for. Sure its fun but Ill feel like shit afterwards soooo 10 months sticks...Im suprised I havent faltered. I dont know how Ive made it this far but Im still goin strong for now. Well see how long.

Family-Shock-Picking up the pieces

The last thing I expected to hear tonight in a phone call from my best friend was " my brother and sister in law were found murdered this morning." As I have a pool cue and a vodka gimlet in my hand, I needed help to stabalize thanks to JMD who was there. But I can only imagine what must be going through their minds tonight. When I got there it was family and a few close friends, wanting to know whats going on, wanting to give comfort, and some pissed trying to come to grips with what is happening. How is that in one moment a whole world can be torn in pieces. Tiny pieces. Not just within their family but spreading out to the community around them. I don't know how I can help. I knew I had to go there, I know I just have to be there for her when she needs me and other than that keep my distance. I hate seeing people I love in pain. But the fact that I was randomly together with two of my other best friends and we all were there for the phone call- GOD was putting his touch on a desperate and painful experience. We were all suppose to be there when she called me and I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them near me.

I think about all the bull shit. All my complaining about men and feeling wanted and being wanted for myself and not a vision of what they think I am or who I was. I need to keep putting myself in check and realizing that FAMILY above all is most important. I love my sister. I don't know what I would do if I didnt have her anymore. That is all I could think about. And what would happen to the children. I know we all have the right to have our issues and vent but tonight i was re-affirmed that God is showing himself to me. There is no valid explaination other than that at this point in time because if I hadnt been in LA due to JMD taking me off my lazy depressed ass and forcing me to go to an audition, I would never have been close to RF and never would have answered the phone call because I would have been lazy in my friggin dark hole that is my bedroom.

JMD reminded me of how lucky we are to have each other and to have those friends that care. I made a status, stupid status shit! that said...Finding out who my real friends are...an interesting thing actually. Well seeing the love that people have for one another under horrible circumstances makes me know that I have more people that care about me than I know and the ones that matter will always be there for me, good times and bad times...stupid relationships or not. I know I may not see my friends everyday and that prolly cuts me a bit but I need to learn to heal myself, to trust others. I dont want to be the person who has no faith in the good of people. I saw tonight that love transcends problems and boundaries. LOVE heals.

I hope, the souls of the dead can find peace. I hope the children involved are brought to the home that can care for them and nurture them the best way possible. I pray to god to give my friend and her family strength to see that whoever did this has justice of the law brought upon them. And strength to heal. I hope we can all keep the good thoughts flowing and pray for my friend and her family. Thank you guys for reading this...its been a rough night.

Good Days vs. Bad Days

It's hard trying to be positive all the time. I know I am a good person but...there's always the but, isn't there....I feel like I could be so much better. I get on these highs and then hit really low lows that just dont feel sane. I don't even know why. It all started cuz I wanted to try dating again...I feel stronger but I'm so exhausted-my brain-how much I think- makes me exhausted and I dont want to do it anymore. I wish I could just turn off my brain and be happy.

I guess I just feel that I've had the best I'm going to have and now I won't ever be happy again. I know I will be happy from day to day but the happiness I felt without worrying whether or not I was going to be with that person the rest of my life or not because I thought I was. I dont think that made much sense but anyway.... I just wish I knew...I wish I could see my future and KNOW that I will be okay, that I will be happy again. I am just tired of the games and obstacles I have to go through to maybe see if I can be happy with someone. Shit. I just want to go on a real date again. Last time I went on a date was with Eric who is fantastic but unfortunately I dont want the fantastic ones, I want the ones who are a complete mystery to me, the ones I get nervous around. I guess I just don't want to be in the dark. It sucks sometimes not knowing where life is going to lead you. My WHOLE life is like that...i chose the wrong profession for someone who wants security, I have no knowledge of where I will be or could be in 5 years...I want to know where I stand by the time im 30.

Its prolly just getting to me that im going to be 25 and I feel like I've done nothing with my life. I am not ready to give up on performing and trying my luck in the business because that is all I have ever wanted or thought I wanted. I will mostlikely end up teaching later on in life but not yet. I cannot settle in order to feel comfortable. I just don't understand why I cant teach and do theatre for fun. I wish my brain would allow me that but I only think of it as a stepping stone, not the final career goals Ive been working for since I could walk at 8 months old.

I need a kick in the ass as far as career and a slap in the face as far as men. I used to be so good at forcing myself to keep going...now Its getting harder and harder to be optimistic!

On to the next phase

So I've been in this zone of restricting myself of things I used to love, mainly sex, but cutting back on alcohol is the next phase... Until recently I went a little over 9 months without any form of sexual contact, I'm not including kissing, there was some of that-Im not that nuts. But Ive been trying to figure out who I am, as a woman, without needing the approval from a man, as far as my insecurities used to go.

I used to get a high off of knowing I could pick up a guy and have fun, maybe hold on to him for a little while. This all happened years ago when I came in to my sexuality. After about a year and a half, maybe even two, of going a bit insane, I decided I didn't like the come down after the high. It was great feeling on top of the world but then I ended up alone...AGAIN...

These men, some of them friends, were using me for the same kind of release and euphoria that I was using them for. Im no expert but I think that men let it go and women hold on to that feeling of being alone....kind of like cuddling after sex.

I was never a cuddler...I was happy that I could turn to my side and pass out afterwards without the need to feel comforted. I had been with men who liked cuddling and so I did it, not very long but I felt the need to please. Im a people pleaser. It was sometimes to the point where I started jeopardizing how I felt inside just so I didnt hurt someone else's feelings. Sometimes this resorted in doing things I wasn't prepared to do or just down right didnt want to. I've been backed in to some very horrible and awkward corners where I felt that it was impossible to get out of unless I ...pleased. Even with some friends, who I still consider friends to this day.

Life doesn't have an owners manual. Our hearts don't have an instruction booklet. Our bodies are the objects that help us develop our choices and our emotions in situations. I didn't know if I actually liked the act of making love or just the high I got from being in control. So...I stopped. Cold turkey. Its kinda been like quitting alcohol for me. There have been moments of weakness. Where I could have fallen off the wagon and in to the same lap of the person who made me feel insecure and unworthy and low because I wanted them to be happy, I put their happiness in front of mine and that is not okay. Especially when the other person has no quams about my feelings.

I feel that in my time off I have come to understand the importance of being with someone I actually care about. Someone who wants to be with me and not only for one night. I think that in my past encounters with a good friend of mine, I was hopeful that one day he would see me as more than a friend, he knew my feelings, he knew I wanted more and had for 4 or 5 years but we continued to keep it friendly.Passionately friendly. He was not the obeject of the turning point in my life, he was just the spark that lit the gas that was already being released. I had put myself in that position too many times. I wanted him, I gave him the chance on more than one occasion, more than years apart and I wasnt what he wanted. I dont hold it against him, I just needed to find someone that did want to be with me. It's been 9 months and 20 days give or take... and I am amazed at myself for lasting this long.

I don't know how much I have learned I do know that I am done screwing around with people who screw around with my heart. I am a good person, I have had my doubts in the past of my good intentions and bad intentions but overall I am a good person. I deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. The real lesson I guess I have learned is that I need to be careful with my heart, I've put it through so much, so many hard times, so many times where I have lied to myself. I cannot continue to do that. I am working on me, to be better, to be honest, I might go down some wrong paths some more but I know that I will never forget who I am in the process.

The Day Before Tomorrow

The day before tomorrow and I'm standing tall

Its almost like a dream now, like I never took that fall

I still feel you lingering, your thoughts out in space

Your desires still penetrate, but I'm beginning to forget your face

It's taking time to heal, from the pain you've put me through

But I know that soon I'll feel, refreshed, rejuvinated, whole, like I used to

It's the day before tomorrow and I'm keeping my head high

I don't need to dwell upon this "kissing you gives me butterflies"

This is only an infatuation, so maybe it's lasted 15 years

But tomorrow is another day, I'll push through it with no tears.

You spoke of marriage, you spoke of love

So many things you seemed so sure of

So what was so wrong that you couldn't, wouldn't even try

What is so hard that you always leave without a proper goodbye

This time I'm the strong one, you won't bring me down

I'm moving on to something better, at least for right now