Communication

Something I am apparently really bad at when it comes to relationships. I do self sabatoge. I dont understand how I do it. I seem disinterested I seem un caring and express things to someone who doesnt need to know it in the beginning.

I presented myself to someone I am starting to care about, someone i feel really nurturing towards, he looks at me now like i used to be a big slut who got trashed all the time and he doesnt know how to look at me anymore. The funny thing is even if i was permiscuous in the past, its the past. I wan't an okay person back then. I had my share of issues. But he is the first person that has ever made me feel like i should feel guilty for those choices. I never regret. I pride myself on not living with regrets. But Why then, now, do i feel so shitty. I tell myself that he wouldnt bring this up if he didnt care. I should have called him and talked about the way i said things that day but i was scared. I let fear get in the way of resolving a situation. A situation that now has settled for two days and now he has some major built up anger.

I dont know how to show how good a person I am. I dont know how to prove myself. Do i need to. should I care about this person who seems to make me feel bad about my past without trying to make me feel bad. I have so many thoughts running through my brain I dont know when they will slow down.

I texted him with nonshalant texts to see how he was doin and never wrote back, never called until today. He says I should have called him...he could have called me too. Said i needed to clear things up and talk about this bomb i dropped. In my mind its not a big deal. But it seems that this person tends to get between all my relationships. lately. I dont know what that means but maybe it means something.

I am hurting. I am confused. Lost. and in so much pain and scared s hitless that i have to go over to his house tonight and try to express who i really am, who I am today. I need to show him that i am not like other people. I am good. I am a good person. I made some bad choices in my life but i dont regret them and i wouldnt know they were bad if i didnt care. I wouldnt be who i am today if i hadnt made some of those decisions in my life.

I dont know if this is worth it anymore. I feel so much anger coming off of him. I thought he could be someone who i would really relate to, who wouldnt hold things against me. I just hope thats how he will be in judging the situation.

I just hope that im not trying to look for a relationship where there can never be one. Ive done that in the past as most of my friends know and I need to make a mark in changing my future so I dont repeat past mistakes.