So I've been in this zone of restricting myself of things I used to love, mainly sex, but cutting back on alcohol is the next phase... Until recently I went a little over 9 months without any form of sexual contact, I'm not including kissing, there was some of that-Im not that nuts. But Ive been trying to figure out who I am, as a woman, without needing the approval from a man, as far as my insecurities used to go.
I used to get a high off of knowing I could pick up a guy and have fun, maybe hold on to him for a little while. This all happened years ago when I came in to my sexuality. After about a year and a half, maybe even two, of going a bit insane, I decided I didn't like the come down after the high. It was great feeling on top of the world but then I ended up alone...AGAIN...
These men, some of them friends, were using me for the same kind of release and euphoria that I was using them for. Im no expert but I think that men let it go and women hold on to that feeling of being alone....kind of like cuddling after sex.
I was never a cuddler...I was happy that I could turn to my side and pass out afterwards without the need to feel comforted. I had been with men who liked cuddling and so I did it, not very long but I felt the need to please. Im a people pleaser. It was sometimes to the point where I started jeopardizing how I felt inside just so I didnt hurt someone else's feelings. Sometimes this resorted in doing things I wasn't prepared to do or just down right didnt want to. I've been backed in to some very horrible and awkward corners where I felt that it was impossible to get out of unless I ...pleased. Even with some friends, who I still consider friends to this day.
Life doesn't have an owners manual. Our hearts don't have an instruction booklet. Our bodies are the objects that help us develop our choices and our emotions in situations. I didn't know if I actually liked the act of making love or just the high I got from being in control. So...I stopped. Cold turkey. Its kinda been like quitting alcohol for me. There have been moments of weakness. Where I could have fallen off the wagon and in to the same lap of the person who made me feel insecure and unworthy and low because I wanted them to be happy, I put their happiness in front of mine and that is not okay. Especially when the other person has no quams about my feelings.
I feel that in my time off I have come to understand the importance of being with someone I actually care about. Someone who wants to be with me and not only for one night. I think that in my past encounters with a good friend of mine, I was hopeful that one day he would see me as more than a friend, he knew my feelings, he knew I wanted more and had for 4 or 5 years but we continued to keep it friendly.Passionately friendly. He was not the obeject of the turning point in my life, he was just the spark that lit the gas that was already being released. I had put myself in that position too many times. I wanted him, I gave him the chance on more than one occasion, more than years apart and I wasnt what he wanted. I dont hold it against him, I just needed to find someone that did want to be with me. It's been 9 months and 20 days give or take... and I am amazed at myself for lasting this long.
I don't know how much I have learned I do know that I am done screwing around with people who screw around with my heart. I am a good person, I have had my doubts in the past of my good intentions and bad intentions but overall I am a good person. I deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. The real lesson I guess I have learned is that I need to be careful with my heart, I've put it through so much, so many hard times, so many times where I have lied to myself. I cannot continue to do that. I am working on me, to be better, to be honest, I might go down some wrong paths some more but I know that I will never forget who I am in the process.
