Inspiration out the door

I was on my way home tonight from hanging out with a good friend and I had such a good feeling fuel through me. An epiphany I guess you could say, about all i want to do and how i want to live my life. Music and art and care free. I want to be able to sit on the beach and jam or write. I want to fuel my passion through the earth and the beauty that surrounds us and the world that we often times forget to stop and look at.

The rain washes away the dirt and the sun dries up the rain, our world has a way of cleaning itself and all we tend to do is clutter and make it ugly as beautiful as it is. I have always had passion inside me, I just never know where to look to see what I should do with that passion. I try writing but I can never collect my thoughts. I have so many things that I want to do in my life. Europe on no money, work my way from city to city. I would love to do that! soooo why don't I. Why don't I pick up and experience life, the world the environment around me.

I only have one thing that comes to mind. I want to experience all of that with someone. I dont want to have the stories and no memories to share, no secret love for what weve experienced. I think that is why I want to bring friends from here with me to portugal, so I can explore with them, to show them, teach them something and have them teach me. That is why my relationship with Joel(aka the brazilian) was so special to me. We saw things, we taught each other things, we made love, I havent felt loved by a man the way he made me feel. Passion. It fuels so many things, passion for life. I have passion for life and living and I cant keep sitting on my ass and in a concrete building. I need to get out there.

I am tired of seeing the concrete, the pollution, the destruction. I know there is beauty still surviving. Beauty in people, in the earth. I'm prolly on a hippie kick but I just want to experience life, we were given this once change to feel things and experience things and people are so scared...scared shitless of being nothing, of not leaving their mark. We all leave a mark, it just depends of if youve left a good mark or one thats going to help with the destruction of this beautiful life we have been given. Who knows how it was given, who knows why? Who cares? We are here and we need to make the most of it. We werent made to sit in boxes looking at a screen all day.

We werent given these amazing brains, the ability to create if we weren't suppose to be using them to create things to make this world better. We are all born and we will all die. Its this precious time the 80 years, maybe, that we are here to show and do something to keep this amazing planet alive. It's really amazing. And we don't notice it enough.

DREAMS: Luke Perry

Sooooo I always love when I have random dreams with friends and people I dont know in them...and they happen to be in color. So last night:

I go to church with grayce and traycee i think and i know anthony was there for some reason and alex walters. I asked alex how to get to the restrooms and he couldnt really give me detailed directions so i went to figure it out on my own after he tried to draw it on a piece of paper. Sooo i go to the stairs and take it down to a hallway where there were tons of people, grayce and traycee ended up there too...then went in and out and was suppose to go up another stairwell or elevator. so we try to race some other people by taking the elevator because we thought that would be faster...who knows why. We end up going against tons of people to get back up the stairs because everyone else was going toward the elevator. The building seemed like a run down high school. Until we get in to this hall- a great hall that had four different ways to go...it looks familiar to me- like something i may have seen in europe in a museum or something. so i seperate from my friends who went to wait to get back in the main room where the band was playing, i walked through a different door and heard the beatles songs being sung by all all black baptist choir, i ended up getting the mic and harmonizing with them and walking around meeting people. Anthony ended up in this room- it was laid out like a church but missin a wall where there was an ocean. I see a bunch of people groovin on this tiny boat and there is LUKE PERRY...jammin out. The boat came ashore and he started jokin with us about something, then Dunkin showed up and it seemed like they knew each other. Luke put on some big parka kinda of jacket that was Camo and inflated itself...and he went swimming in the ocean...its pitch black and theres a harbor patrol boat shinning a light into the water he swims up behind them as they pass and gets out joking with us about how he is invisible.

NO CLUE why I had sucha vivid dream...church...water and Luke perry goin nuts. But he seemed really chill in my dream. I was thinking maybe i watched something with him in it but i didnt before goin to bed and havent seen anything hes done in ages. SOOOO who knows. My mind never ceases to amaze me!

Security

Security- it's all something we want and sometimes don't know the best ways to go about getting it. Whether Security be that in a relationship or in career, in home life, or in financial life. Its something we all want. But there never is enough security. Things can change so quickly and you could never know what hit ya. My Goal for this week is to try and be secure with myself. I am a great person. I am talented(somewhat) I have friends who care about me and I care about them(fuck all the ones who dont) and I have a family who (while crazy and emotional) still supports me in what I want to do. I like men, I don't need to feel secure in a relationship because by trying TOO hard I will in turn push that person away sooooo...secure with the fact that I don't NEED anyone, I just want to spend time with someone(whoever that someone may be).

I think I am going to try to set goals for myself every week. No thinking badly about myself. No sulking. If I sulk I will put my time in to writing and let my feelings out that way. Hopefully in to poetry or a script. I am going to try my luck at new things...SO my goals for this week are : to find security within myself and to not drink until st. pattys day!

randomness of the mind

I find it funny that the only time I feel like writing on this thing is when Im pissed off or depressed. That seems to be a lot lately. I wish I wasn't feeling like Im hopeless. I know in my mind Im not but the rest of me isnt so sure. I think I just really miss being wanted by someone other than my close friends. And even that definition has changed lately. My friends, or the circles at least, have shifted. I feel like I'm being pushed out of one and gaining another which is great, its a positive group but I miss the past. I know we can't live in the past but I miss it. I only miss it because its still right in front of me. Part of me wants to pick up and move as far away from here as possible. Start fresh. I love starting fresh. You can change who you are or finally be who you are. Im still young enough to decide what I want to do so maybe, who knows. I really want to try out the east coast. I would love to move to boston or New Hampshire and live with my cousin Jude but I can't say that I would be happy there. It does get really cold haha. There's always portugal. The bar. My friends over there. They will always be there for me. My friends and portugal are the least fickle, the least changing. I know i will always have them through any thing. Even the bad times when i know they are being dicks. Its a never changing environment. No one is jealous of the other, its simple. I like that.

I wrote a long letter to my ex, Joel, the other day. I pretty much just said I understand why he thinks we cant be together and that even though were so different and it would probably never work out, he is still and will probably always be the love of my life. I know its cheezy but the way that Stephanie Meyers talks about the love between Edward and Bella in the Twilight series is spot on. Its a love you cannot fight no matter how far away. Its only similar in my case because we are from different walks of life, we have different languages and different ways of communicating. I wish I could jump on a plane-again-and fly to barcelona to see him. But it would most likely be harder on me than him when it came time for me to leave. Theres always that...me leaving. What if one day I didn't. Anyway, he wrote back saying he im on his mind all the time-i dont know if its true but i dont doubt it. He wasnt to call me but Im afraid my portuguese isnt as good as it once was. I wish I would just meet someone who makes me forget him. Gabe came close until he didn't come any closer. Its the ones who love me that are the smart ones-they stay away. The crazy ones just want to use me. well at least thats how it feels. I suppose they feel like its a mutual help but to me sex isnt fun anymore if it isnt with someone i have strong feelings for. Sure its fun but Ill feel like shit afterwards soooo 10 months sticks...Im suprised I havent faltered. I dont know how Ive made it this far but Im still goin strong for now. Well see how long.

Family-Shock-Picking up the pieces

The last thing I expected to hear tonight in a phone call from my best friend was " my brother and sister in law were found murdered this morning." As I have a pool cue and a vodka gimlet in my hand, I needed help to stabalize thanks to JMD who was there. But I can only imagine what must be going through their minds tonight. When I got there it was family and a few close friends, wanting to know whats going on, wanting to give comfort, and some pissed trying to come to grips with what is happening. How is that in one moment a whole world can be torn in pieces. Tiny pieces. Not just within their family but spreading out to the community around them. I don't know how I can help. I knew I had to go there, I know I just have to be there for her when she needs me and other than that keep my distance. I hate seeing people I love in pain. But the fact that I was randomly together with two of my other best friends and we all were there for the phone call- GOD was putting his touch on a desperate and painful experience. We were all suppose to be there when she called me and I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them near me.

I think about all the bull shit. All my complaining about men and feeling wanted and being wanted for myself and not a vision of what they think I am or who I was. I need to keep putting myself in check and realizing that FAMILY above all is most important. I love my sister. I don't know what I would do if I didnt have her anymore. That is all I could think about. And what would happen to the children. I know we all have the right to have our issues and vent but tonight i was re-affirmed that God is showing himself to me. There is no valid explaination other than that at this point in time because if I hadnt been in LA due to JMD taking me off my lazy depressed ass and forcing me to go to an audition, I would never have been close to RF and never would have answered the phone call because I would have been lazy in my friggin dark hole that is my bedroom.

JMD reminded me of how lucky we are to have each other and to have those friends that care. I made a status, stupid status shit! that said...Finding out who my real friends are...an interesting thing actually. Well seeing the love that people have for one another under horrible circumstances makes me know that I have more people that care about me than I know and the ones that matter will always be there for me, good times and bad times...stupid relationships or not. I know I may not see my friends everyday and that prolly cuts me a bit but I need to learn to heal myself, to trust others. I dont want to be the person who has no faith in the good of people. I saw tonight that love transcends problems and boundaries. LOVE heals.

I hope, the souls of the dead can find peace. I hope the children involved are brought to the home that can care for them and nurture them the best way possible. I pray to god to give my friend and her family strength to see that whoever did this has justice of the law brought upon them. And strength to heal. I hope we can all keep the good thoughts flowing and pray for my friend and her family. Thank you guys for reading this...its been a rough night.

Good Days vs. Bad Days

It's hard trying to be positive all the time. I know I am a good person but...there's always the but, isn't there....I feel like I could be so much better. I get on these highs and then hit really low lows that just dont feel sane. I don't even know why. It all started cuz I wanted to try dating again...I feel stronger but I'm so exhausted-my brain-how much I think- makes me exhausted and I dont want to do it anymore. I wish I could just turn off my brain and be happy.

I guess I just feel that I've had the best I'm going to have and now I won't ever be happy again. I know I will be happy from day to day but the happiness I felt without worrying whether or not I was going to be with that person the rest of my life or not because I thought I was. I dont think that made much sense but anyway.... I just wish I knew...I wish I could see my future and KNOW that I will be okay, that I will be happy again. I am just tired of the games and obstacles I have to go through to maybe see if I can be happy with someone. Shit. I just want to go on a real date again. Last time I went on a date was with Eric who is fantastic but unfortunately I dont want the fantastic ones, I want the ones who are a complete mystery to me, the ones I get nervous around. I guess I just don't want to be in the dark. It sucks sometimes not knowing where life is going to lead you. My WHOLE life is like that...i chose the wrong profession for someone who wants security, I have no knowledge of where I will be or could be in 5 years...I want to know where I stand by the time im 30.

Its prolly just getting to me that im going to be 25 and I feel like I've done nothing with my life. I am not ready to give up on performing and trying my luck in the business because that is all I have ever wanted or thought I wanted. I will mostlikely end up teaching later on in life but not yet. I cannot settle in order to feel comfortable. I just don't understand why I cant teach and do theatre for fun. I wish my brain would allow me that but I only think of it as a stepping stone, not the final career goals Ive been working for since I could walk at 8 months old.

I need a kick in the ass as far as career and a slap in the face as far as men. I used to be so good at forcing myself to keep going...now Its getting harder and harder to be optimistic!