I find it funny that the only time I feel like writing on this thing is when Im pissed off or depressed. That seems to be a lot lately. I wish I wasn't feeling like Im hopeless. I know in my mind Im not but the rest of me isnt so sure. I think I just really miss being wanted by someone other than my close friends. And even that definition has changed lately. My friends, or the circles at least, have shifted. I feel like I'm being pushed out of one and gaining another which is great, its a positive group but I miss the past. I know we can't live in the past but I miss it. I only miss it because its still right in front of me. Part of me wants to pick up and move as far away from here as possible. Start fresh. I love starting fresh. You can change who you are or finally be who you are. Im still young enough to decide what I want to do so maybe, who knows. I really want to try out the east coast. I would love to move to boston or New Hampshire and live with my cousin Jude but I can't say that I would be happy there. It does get really cold haha. There's always portugal. The bar. My friends over there. They will always be there for me. My friends and portugal are the least fickle, the least changing. I know i will always have them through any thing. Even the bad times when i know they are being dicks. Its a never changing environment. No one is jealous of the other, its simple. I like that.
I wrote a long letter to my ex, Joel, the other day. I pretty much just said I understand why he thinks we cant be together and that even though were so different and it would probably never work out, he is still and will probably always be the love of my life. I know its cheezy but the way that Stephanie Meyers talks about the love between Edward and Bella in the Twilight series is spot on. Its a love you cannot fight no matter how far away. Its only similar in my case because we are from different walks of life, we have different languages and different ways of communicating. I wish I could jump on a plane-again-and fly to barcelona to see him. But it would most likely be harder on me than him when it came time for me to leave. Theres always that...me leaving. What if one day I didn't. Anyway, he wrote back saying he im on his mind all the time-i dont know if its true but i dont doubt it. He wasnt to call me but Im afraid my portuguese isnt as good as it once was. I wish I would just meet someone who makes me forget him. Gabe came close until he didn't come any closer. Its the ones who love me that are the smart ones-they stay away. The crazy ones just want to use me. well at least thats how it feels. I suppose they feel like its a mutual help but to me sex isnt fun anymore if it isnt with someone i have strong feelings for. Sure its fun but Ill feel like shit afterwards soooo 10 months sticks...Im suprised I havent faltered. I dont know how Ive made it this far but Im still goin strong for now. Well see how long.
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Keep doing your thing girl. Affairs of the heart are strange and complicated.
ReplyDeleteYou would think love would be enough? It seems we've found out the hard way it isn't.
Don't run away. Picking up and moving is a way of not being accountable for your actions. It is an easy way to keep making the same mistakes. When you move there is no one to say to you "you're and idiot, you did this already remember?" Even if its not what you want to hear, its what you need to, to grow and become that better person.
Keep on keepin-on my friend. You'll thank yourself in the end.