Good Days vs. Bad Days

It's hard trying to be positive all the time. I know I am a good person but...there's always the but, isn't there....I feel like I could be so much better. I get on these highs and then hit really low lows that just dont feel sane. I don't even know why. It all started cuz I wanted to try dating again...I feel stronger but I'm so exhausted-my brain-how much I think- makes me exhausted and I dont want to do it anymore. I wish I could just turn off my brain and be happy.

I guess I just feel that I've had the best I'm going to have and now I won't ever be happy again. I know I will be happy from day to day but the happiness I felt without worrying whether or not I was going to be with that person the rest of my life or not because I thought I was. I dont think that made much sense but anyway.... I just wish I knew...I wish I could see my future and KNOW that I will be okay, that I will be happy again. I am just tired of the games and obstacles I have to go through to maybe see if I can be happy with someone. Shit. I just want to go on a real date again. Last time I went on a date was with Eric who is fantastic but unfortunately I dont want the fantastic ones, I want the ones who are a complete mystery to me, the ones I get nervous around. I guess I just don't want to be in the dark. It sucks sometimes not knowing where life is going to lead you. My WHOLE life is like that...i chose the wrong profession for someone who wants security, I have no knowledge of where I will be or could be in 5 years...I want to know where I stand by the time im 30.

Its prolly just getting to me that im going to be 25 and I feel like I've done nothing with my life. I am not ready to give up on performing and trying my luck in the business because that is all I have ever wanted or thought I wanted. I will mostlikely end up teaching later on in life but not yet. I cannot settle in order to feel comfortable. I just don't understand why I cant teach and do theatre for fun. I wish my brain would allow me that but I only think of it as a stepping stone, not the final career goals Ive been working for since I could walk at 8 months old.

I need a kick in the ass as far as career and a slap in the face as far as men. I used to be so good at forcing myself to keep going...now Its getting harder and harder to be optimistic!