Something I am apparently really bad at when it comes to relationships. I do self sabatoge. I dont understand how I do it. I seem disinterested I seem un caring and express things to someone who doesnt need to know it in the beginning.
I presented myself to someone I am starting to care about, someone i feel really nurturing towards, he looks at me now like i used to be a big slut who got trashed all the time and he doesnt know how to look at me anymore. The funny thing is even if i was permiscuous in the past, its the past. I wan't an okay person back then. I had my share of issues. But he is the first person that has ever made me feel like i should feel guilty for those choices. I never regret. I pride myself on not living with regrets. But Why then, now, do i feel so shitty. I tell myself that he wouldnt bring this up if he didnt care. I should have called him and talked about the way i said things that day but i was scared. I let fear get in the way of resolving a situation. A situation that now has settled for two days and now he has some major built up anger.
I dont know how to show how good a person I am. I dont know how to prove myself. Do i need to. should I care about this person who seems to make me feel bad about my past without trying to make me feel bad. I have so many thoughts running through my brain I dont know when they will slow down.
I texted him with nonshalant texts to see how he was doin and never wrote back, never called until today. He says I should have called him...he could have called me too. Said i needed to clear things up and talk about this bomb i dropped. In my mind its not a big deal. But it seems that this person tends to get between all my relationships. lately. I dont know what that means but maybe it means something.
I am hurting. I am confused. Lost. and in so much pain and scared s hitless that i have to go over to his house tonight and try to express who i really am, who I am today. I need to show him that i am not like other people. I am good. I am a good person. I made some bad choices in my life but i dont regret them and i wouldnt know they were bad if i didnt care. I wouldnt be who i am today if i hadnt made some of those decisions in my life.
I dont know if this is worth it anymore. I feel so much anger coming off of him. I thought he could be someone who i would really relate to, who wouldnt hold things against me. I just hope thats how he will be in judging the situation.
I just hope that im not trying to look for a relationship where there can never be one. Ive done that in the past as most of my friends know and I need to make a mark in changing my future so I dont repeat past mistakes.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Honesty---
So being honest isn't always the best thing to do. What happens when someone says the past doesnt matter but they they ask you a question that has to deal with the past. SHould youjust reply= Id rather not talk about it!? Not in my mind because that would cause only more speculation! So honesty was the route i took and it seems to be blowing up in my face. Well if it wasnt meant to be...again...it wasnt meant to be. Im just so tired of this bull shit. There are a lot of things wrong with him but for some reason i want it. I want to take the bad and find the good. Theres a lot of love in his heart hes just holding back because of fear.
Fear is evil. Why the hell are we so scared to be open with what we want and need? I dont think god wanted us to be afraid. He want's us to be ourselves. Good and Bad.
with the past, whatever sins ive commited against myself and my body are things I have to deal with and will be dealing with my whole life. I dont think it should determine who i am as a person. It is who i could have been but chose not to. I took the opportunity to change the way i was living my life. I am now happy, growing in the business, and wanting to take chances in my life that i havent wanted to do before.
I wish he could see me for the me i am now and not the me he never knew.
Fear is evil. Why the hell are we so scared to be open with what we want and need? I dont think god wanted us to be afraid. He want's us to be ourselves. Good and Bad.
with the past, whatever sins ive commited against myself and my body are things I have to deal with and will be dealing with my whole life. I dont think it should determine who i am as a person. It is who i could have been but chose not to. I took the opportunity to change the way i was living my life. I am now happy, growing in the business, and wanting to take chances in my life that i havent wanted to do before.
I wish he could see me for the me i am now and not the me he never knew.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
My Luck could be changing...lots of summary in this one!
So... I've been all about the no dating thing for almost a year! wow...but I've been doing things differently. No sex but Ive recently been on dates with a couple different guys. The first being a nice guy who thinks hes bad or trouble and he was really hard to break through to. He's just very lethargic in what he wants I think. I was trying to make it something it wasnt ever going to be. No real connection = Move on in my book. There's no time to waste on people who don't have the energy to give back. The second was a guy who was wayyyyyyy too in to his cats. Single, Living on his own, Dont know how old he was. Hes a nice guy, really great, artsy, talented. But maybe im prejudging, I just cant see why a single guy would live with three cats. One cat is acceptable even though its still a little strange. But 3 cats...the house looked like a human cat house, with ropes hanging from the ceiling and a perch for the cats/humans who want to climb up there.
Looked fun but I just wonder what a man of his age would be doing home alone messin around with his cats and prolly playing like they do. Also, the audacity to smoke weed alone before taking me to the beach to watch a sunset for 20 seconds...i didnt get to eat so i was starving and the best part of the date was when i was leaving!...
So i decided to try a different way of meeting people...Plentyoffish.com...I had talked to some people but no one really jumped out at me. Its pretty much a site like hotornot, people are vain and try too hard to look good. I think my profile really does show a good side of who I am but no one will be good enough for me I think.
Well, last friday at Rebeccas show, I saw a guy who intrigued me. He seemed unapproachable because of his look. Just shows ya that first impressions aren't always the true side of a person. Well I kept making eye contact with him and eventually saw that he was friends with Eric. Eric introduced us, Jason. A name to put with those eyes. Beautiful brown eyes. We talked a lil later outside for a few seconds, I found out he was 34, 10 years my senior. But he didnt look it at all. I decided he didnt seem that interested so i went back to talking to other people.
When we all got back to rebeccas, i decided to show Caitlin a guy on POF that would seem to be her type. The guys walked in and i was trying to get rid of a guy IM'ing me. Jason and Beruz came in and were commenting on POF and how Jason was on it too. We then had a start to what ended up being a 3 hour conversation.
We have so many things in common, with the fact of growing up catholic and now we both go to christian churches, we are both tired of the bullshit and drama, his brother is 12 years younger than he is, My sis and i are 12 years apart. ..more and more things that just seemed like GOD was hitting me over the head, saying take him now....The kicker was when i was leaving- He got a glimps of my birthmark and kind of had this shock on his face. I asked what?...he turned around and lifted his shirt and we both had a similar birth marks but on opposite sides. I have never met someone with the same kind of marking. It was strange and just another thing that rang true to me.
We ended up hanging out the sunday after- had a deep discussion at McClures that got me in tears, i was amazed how open and honest he was with me and let me have it for being stupid in past situations. He really made me realize that i cant be friends with guys who have fucked me over. I have been hurt, it has an affect on me and I shouldnt let that kind of negativity in to my life. I need to be done. Im in the process of doing that. But I just hope that if I do this, if i continue on my path of weeding out the negative in my life that it will lead to something great.
We ended up spending that night together and the whole next day together and its like this thing that you get a taste of...Like buying a new pair of jeans and wanting to wear them everyday but you cant. I havent seen him since monday, Its only been a collection of texts back and forth but I just cant stop from thinking about him. This is the part I hate.
I hate having that thing that takes all my attention away. I just want to get ot the finish line without going through the small stuff, but the small stuff is the fun stuff and I have to remember that. He seemed completely ready to explore what we could have but my brain just turns in negative...i see the possibility of getting hurt rather than the possibility of being really happy.
I dont know when I got to be so negative. But he gives me hope. I hope that I am right about my gut and that he is something special that I want to explore what kind of relationship we could have.
There are obstacles-my parents and their ideals because he is 10 years older than me with an 11 year old little boy...but the fact of the matter is that I DONT CARE....if anything, the devotion he has to his son is even more heartwarming and makes me want to see what love he has in his heart.
Its strange because my dad married my mom when my sister was 11, its almost like im in my dads shoes, a lot more lately. With the alcohol and the way ive been living my life. Jason and I would never have met if it hadnt been for rebeccas show that i was late for. He and I would never have seen each other on POF, or maybe we would have...but the fact is I am getting a chance to see where this chance could lead.
Im opening my heart again-Im scared to do it but im not scared of what i feel already for someone i barely know. I keep thinking about that idea that everyone was born with a counterpart and they make it through one life after the next searching for one another until they find each other. Some force of nature has a hold on our lives and it causes happiness and pain. Maybe were suppose to endure all the pain in order to see what true happiness is really about. Pure and simple love.
Looked fun but I just wonder what a man of his age would be doing home alone messin around with his cats and prolly playing like they do. Also, the audacity to smoke weed alone before taking me to the beach to watch a sunset for 20 seconds...i didnt get to eat so i was starving and the best part of the date was when i was leaving!...
So i decided to try a different way of meeting people...Plentyoffish.com...I had talked to some people but no one really jumped out at me. Its pretty much a site like hotornot, people are vain and try too hard to look good. I think my profile really does show a good side of who I am but no one will be good enough for me I think.
Well, last friday at Rebeccas show, I saw a guy who intrigued me. He seemed unapproachable because of his look. Just shows ya that first impressions aren't always the true side of a person. Well I kept making eye contact with him and eventually saw that he was friends with Eric. Eric introduced us, Jason. A name to put with those eyes. Beautiful brown eyes. We talked a lil later outside for a few seconds, I found out he was 34, 10 years my senior. But he didnt look it at all. I decided he didnt seem that interested so i went back to talking to other people.
When we all got back to rebeccas, i decided to show Caitlin a guy on POF that would seem to be her type. The guys walked in and i was trying to get rid of a guy IM'ing me. Jason and Beruz came in and were commenting on POF and how Jason was on it too. We then had a start to what ended up being a 3 hour conversation.
We have so many things in common, with the fact of growing up catholic and now we both go to christian churches, we are both tired of the bullshit and drama, his brother is 12 years younger than he is, My sis and i are 12 years apart. ..more and more things that just seemed like GOD was hitting me over the head, saying take him now....The kicker was when i was leaving- He got a glimps of my birthmark and kind of had this shock on his face. I asked what?...he turned around and lifted his shirt and we both had a similar birth marks but on opposite sides. I have never met someone with the same kind of marking. It was strange and just another thing that rang true to me.
We ended up hanging out the sunday after- had a deep discussion at McClures that got me in tears, i was amazed how open and honest he was with me and let me have it for being stupid in past situations. He really made me realize that i cant be friends with guys who have fucked me over. I have been hurt, it has an affect on me and I shouldnt let that kind of negativity in to my life. I need to be done. Im in the process of doing that. But I just hope that if I do this, if i continue on my path of weeding out the negative in my life that it will lead to something great.
We ended up spending that night together and the whole next day together and its like this thing that you get a taste of...Like buying a new pair of jeans and wanting to wear them everyday but you cant. I havent seen him since monday, Its only been a collection of texts back and forth but I just cant stop from thinking about him. This is the part I hate.
I hate having that thing that takes all my attention away. I just want to get ot the finish line without going through the small stuff, but the small stuff is the fun stuff and I have to remember that. He seemed completely ready to explore what we could have but my brain just turns in negative...i see the possibility of getting hurt rather than the possibility of being really happy.
I dont know when I got to be so negative. But he gives me hope. I hope that I am right about my gut and that he is something special that I want to explore what kind of relationship we could have.
There are obstacles-my parents and their ideals because he is 10 years older than me with an 11 year old little boy...but the fact of the matter is that I DONT CARE....if anything, the devotion he has to his son is even more heartwarming and makes me want to see what love he has in his heart.
Its strange because my dad married my mom when my sister was 11, its almost like im in my dads shoes, a lot more lately. With the alcohol and the way ive been living my life. Jason and I would never have met if it hadnt been for rebeccas show that i was late for. He and I would never have seen each other on POF, or maybe we would have...but the fact is I am getting a chance to see where this chance could lead.
Im opening my heart again-Im scared to do it but im not scared of what i feel already for someone i barely know. I keep thinking about that idea that everyone was born with a counterpart and they make it through one life after the next searching for one another until they find each other. Some force of nature has a hold on our lives and it causes happiness and pain. Maybe were suppose to endure all the pain in order to see what true happiness is really about. Pure and simple love.
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