The Cleansing Phase

So I have been cleansing my life of the negative. Trying to at least. I have cut back contact with those entities that draw me into the darkness and I am pushing upward to a life of happines and on the path to finding what I really want in this world.

This summer I met someone, facinating, strong, sexy, and smart. We spent the most interesting and rollercoasterish 4 days two people could spend. Probably had a whole relationships ups and downs and then parted ways. Only to speak again almost 3 months later. This is a man who made me feel beautiful, not by the way he looked at me or things he said but how he treated me, how he respected me. Im sure with a job like his he just likes to have fun and thats what we did, I let myself go and just enjoy the moment. Living life in the moment, for the first time ever really, without thinking what comes next. But after we parted ways and made plans to meet up again when he moved to california, my moment of happiness was ruined by the waiting game.

I decided that I wouldnt get hooked, so I gave him my email and my phone number. ...he never called. So I had already requested him on skype and after a month or so I gave up hope of hearing anything. After 2 months I turned to the phrase, if we're meant to talk again, we will. Almost 3 months and what happens...Saturday at 2:16 in the after noon I get a txt via skype. Hi give me a call. After 3 months...hi give me a call. I just saw it today. So I texted back, "I'm sure you are the busy one so call when ya get a chance!" And the next chapter begins. 10 minutes later I was talking to new zealand via skype on my handy dandy iPhone. He wanted to camera chat but alas, I am in no condition to show him what I look like via computer when I'm in PJS and hair undone, especially after 3 months....So he came and went and will return again in January....

It will be interesting to see what the future has in store. January. It's not so far away. And now, at least, we are communicating.

God works in mysterious ways. All the praying for signs and for the security to know everything will be good in the end. I think he's finally talking to me. Or. Maybe it's that I am now open enough to listen. I am thankful for new life. New love. And....whatever may come next.

On to the next phase

So I've been in this zone of restricting myself of things I used to love, mainly sex, but cutting back on alcohol is the next phase... Until recently I went a little over 9 months without any form of sexual contact, I'm not including kissing, there was some of that-Im not that nuts. But Ive been trying to figure out who I am, as a woman, without needing the approval from a man, as far as my insecurities used to go.

I used to get a high off of knowing I could pick up a guy and have fun, maybe hold on to him for a little while. This all happened years ago when I came in to my sexuality. After about a year and a half, maybe even two, of going a bit insane, I decided I didn't like the come down after the high. It was great feeling on top of the world but then I ended up alone...AGAIN...

These men, some of them friends, were using me for the same kind of release and euphoria that I was using them for. Im no expert but I think that men let it go and women hold on to that feeling of being alone....kind of like cuddling after sex.

I was never a cuddler...I was happy that I could turn to my side and pass out afterwards without the need to feel comforted. I had been with men who liked cuddling and so I did it, not very long but I felt the need to please. Im a people pleaser. It was sometimes to the point where I started jeopardizing how I felt inside just so I didnt hurt someone else's feelings. Sometimes this resorted in doing things I wasn't prepared to do or just down right didnt want to. I've been backed in to some very horrible and awkward corners where I felt that it was impossible to get out of unless I ...pleased. Even with some friends, who I still consider friends to this day.

Life doesn't have an owners manual. Our hearts don't have an instruction booklet. Our bodies are the objects that help us develop our choices and our emotions in situations. I didn't know if I actually liked the act of making love or just the high I got from being in control. So...I stopped. Cold turkey. Its kinda been like quitting alcohol for me. There have been moments of weakness. Where I could have fallen off the wagon and in to the same lap of the person who made me feel insecure and unworthy and low because I wanted them to be happy, I put their happiness in front of mine and that is not okay. Especially when the other person has no quams about my feelings.

I feel that in my time off I have come to understand the importance of being with someone I actually care about. Someone who wants to be with me and not only for one night. I think that in my past encounters with a good friend of mine, I was hopeful that one day he would see me as more than a friend, he knew my feelings, he knew I wanted more and had for 4 or 5 years but we continued to keep it friendly.Passionately friendly. He was not the obeject of the turning point in my life, he was just the spark that lit the gas that was already being released. I had put myself in that position too many times. I wanted him, I gave him the chance on more than one occasion, more than years apart and I wasnt what he wanted. I dont hold it against him, I just needed to find someone that did want to be with me. It's been 9 months and 20 days give or take... and I am amazed at myself for lasting this long.

I don't know how much I have learned I do know that I am done screwing around with people who screw around with my heart. I am a good person, I have had my doubts in the past of my good intentions and bad intentions but overall I am a good person. I deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. The real lesson I guess I have learned is that I need to be careful with my heart, I've put it through so much, so many hard times, so many times where I have lied to myself. I cannot continue to do that. I am working on me, to be better, to be honest, I might go down some wrong paths some more but I know that I will never forget who I am in the process.

The Day Before Tomorrow

The day before tomorrow and I'm standing tall

Its almost like a dream now, like I never took that fall

I still feel you lingering, your thoughts out in space

Your desires still penetrate, but I'm beginning to forget your face

It's taking time to heal, from the pain you've put me through

But I know that soon I'll feel, refreshed, rejuvinated, whole, like I used to

It's the day before tomorrow and I'm keeping my head high

I don't need to dwell upon this "kissing you gives me butterflies"

This is only an infatuation, so maybe it's lasted 15 years

But tomorrow is another day, I'll push through it with no tears.

You spoke of marriage, you spoke of love

So many things you seemed so sure of

So what was so wrong that you couldn't, wouldn't even try

What is so hard that you always leave without a proper goodbye

This time I'm the strong one, you won't bring me down

I'm moving on to something better, at least for right now