The Cleansing Phase

So I have been cleansing my life of the negative. Trying to at least. I have cut back contact with those entities that draw me into the darkness and I am pushing upward to a life of happines and on the path to finding what I really want in this world.

This summer I met someone, facinating, strong, sexy, and smart. We spent the most interesting and rollercoasterish 4 days two people could spend. Probably had a whole relationships ups and downs and then parted ways. Only to speak again almost 3 months later. This is a man who made me feel beautiful, not by the way he looked at me or things he said but how he treated me, how he respected me. Im sure with a job like his he just likes to have fun and thats what we did, I let myself go and just enjoy the moment. Living life in the moment, for the first time ever really, without thinking what comes next. But after we parted ways and made plans to meet up again when he moved to california, my moment of happiness was ruined by the waiting game.

I decided that I wouldnt get hooked, so I gave him my email and my phone number. ...he never called. So I had already requested him on skype and after a month or so I gave up hope of hearing anything. After 2 months I turned to the phrase, if we're meant to talk again, we will. Almost 3 months and what happens...Saturday at 2:16 in the after noon I get a txt via skype. Hi give me a call. After 3 months...hi give me a call. I just saw it today. So I texted back, "I'm sure you are the busy one so call when ya get a chance!" And the next chapter begins. 10 minutes later I was talking to new zealand via skype on my handy dandy iPhone. He wanted to camera chat but alas, I am in no condition to show him what I look like via computer when I'm in PJS and hair undone, especially after 3 months....So he came and went and will return again in January....

It will be interesting to see what the future has in store. January. It's not so far away. And now, at least, we are communicating.

God works in mysterious ways. All the praying for signs and for the security to know everything will be good in the end. I think he's finally talking to me. Or. Maybe it's that I am now open enough to listen. I am thankful for new life. New love. And....whatever may come next.

Falling down...yet again...

I wish I knew why I get into these funks. Lately its because it seems like everyone and their mother is getting engaged or married. Shit, I can't even go on a proper date! Maybe I've lost my edge...or....I've lost the desire to go out in general. I know I can't meet someone sitting in my room watching Television. But living vicariously through "The Secret Circle" of witches and their ability to control life even while being hunted by witch hunters seems to fill that void of happiness that has somehow sprung itself inside me, yet again.

I'm not jealous, I'm actually very happy for everyone who has found their mate for life...I think I mainly miss the feeling of WANTING to be with someone. I don't even have that desire. I just feel...tough. I don't really feel much of anything because I seem to be supressing it somehow.

Honestly I have a better relationship with my TV than I do with anyone else currently in my life. The TV loves you no matter what. But I realize there's something wrong because I don't have an appetite. Me. Who loves food. Cant think of what to eat. Drink. Nada. Even going out doesnt seem fun anymore. I feel like all the people I go out with to " party " are really just there to fill that void of being alone.

I don't get it. all of it. Im just, so tired. Amazingly this is the first time Ive thought about this shiz in a while...havent written in a while...which is good and bad...it seems the only time I have inspiration is when I'm pissed of or depressed. Right now I guess I'm a little of both.

I am a 27 year old college graduate who has no job, bills to pay, no interesting relationship prospects, and no motivation. The only thing that keeps me going is the need to keep moving for fear of disolving away into the abyss of this large population.

The only time I feel like me is when I am in portugal, where I feel loved. Where my friends actually call me to hang out. Where I actually want to hang out with my friends. Where I can walk all night and enjoy the sounds of the ocean, watch the sun come up over the ripples of the tide coming in. I miss staying out all night with the people I can be myself with. The ones who when we say..."youre being a dumbass...stop it" we dont fall out of friendships because of it. We build them and they get stronger.

Just by writing this I am realizing I miss my friends. I miss the place I have always felt more at home. I miss Portugal, with all my heart. So I guess thats what helps make the hard decisions...do I give up a career I've been working for and move to a place I can breathe light and walk steadily, or do I continue here, waiting to see if it happens, waiting for the inevitable. Waiting.

Tired of being a rock

It amazes me how dating can affect a persons psyche. I have been a rock to a very close friend of mine and I'm really just done. I have to vent over this because I can't mentally take listening to the whining and crying of a grown man complaining how he's done it again- gone and picked a girl who cant handle him.

Every time he dates someone new, all he talks about is--she does this and that, and its so cute when....blah blah blah! I do not care! now its all- I think this is the last conversation we're going to have (no its not- you are in the same show together- you will see her for hte next month!)...

I can't take the desperation and then the whining about how he chooses these girls who just turn around and go back to their ex's. This is a man who needs a therapist. Alas, he things therapy is pointless. Funny- he kinda treats me like his therapist- but i've now stopped answering the phone. I can't do it. It wears me down. Im tired of being that person that everyone NEEDS to count on. Its too much pressure. I don't want it.

I have my own problems. I get emotional but I deal with it on my own. I hide. I don't text people and get needy....I get being there for someone, I do, I have done it alot. I think I am just done being understanding and a shoulder to cry on. GROWN MEN- need to learn that a 20 year old girl isnt going to be a life long partner after 2 weeks! stupid! I walk in to rehearsal and there's crying.

I'm tired of crying, whining, complaining, needing, its tiring and im exhausted. Im not a real therapist, I dont even want to be. I think there is a time and place to be pouty and huffy and its not in a rehearsal studio full of people.

SUCK IT UP...its just a girl...there will be others!


ok I think I've got most of it out of my system.