The Cleansing Phase

So I have been cleansing my life of the negative. Trying to at least. I have cut back contact with those entities that draw me into the darkness and I am pushing upward to a life of happines and on the path to finding what I really want in this world.

This summer I met someone, facinating, strong, sexy, and smart. We spent the most interesting and rollercoasterish 4 days two people could spend. Probably had a whole relationships ups and downs and then parted ways. Only to speak again almost 3 months later. This is a man who made me feel beautiful, not by the way he looked at me or things he said but how he treated me, how he respected me. Im sure with a job like his he just likes to have fun and thats what we did, I let myself go and just enjoy the moment. Living life in the moment, for the first time ever really, without thinking what comes next. But after we parted ways and made plans to meet up again when he moved to california, my moment of happiness was ruined by the waiting game.

I decided that I wouldnt get hooked, so I gave him my email and my phone number. ...he never called. So I had already requested him on skype and after a month or so I gave up hope of hearing anything. After 2 months I turned to the phrase, if we're meant to talk again, we will. Almost 3 months and what happens...Saturday at 2:16 in the after noon I get a txt via skype. Hi give me a call. After 3 months...hi give me a call. I just saw it today. So I texted back, "I'm sure you are the busy one so call when ya get a chance!" And the next chapter begins. 10 minutes later I was talking to new zealand via skype on my handy dandy iPhone. He wanted to camera chat but alas, I am in no condition to show him what I look like via computer when I'm in PJS and hair undone, especially after 3 months....So he came and went and will return again in January....

It will be interesting to see what the future has in store. January. It's not so far away. And now, at least, we are communicating.

God works in mysterious ways. All the praying for signs and for the security to know everything will be good in the end. I think he's finally talking to me. Or. Maybe it's that I am now open enough to listen. I am thankful for new life. New love. And....whatever may come next.

Falling down...yet again...

I wish I knew why I get into these funks. Lately its because it seems like everyone and their mother is getting engaged or married. Shit, I can't even go on a proper date! Maybe I've lost my edge...or....I've lost the desire to go out in general. I know I can't meet someone sitting in my room watching Television. But living vicariously through "The Secret Circle" of witches and their ability to control life even while being hunted by witch hunters seems to fill that void of happiness that has somehow sprung itself inside me, yet again.

I'm not jealous, I'm actually very happy for everyone who has found their mate for life...I think I mainly miss the feeling of WANTING to be with someone. I don't even have that desire. I just feel...tough. I don't really feel much of anything because I seem to be supressing it somehow.

Honestly I have a better relationship with my TV than I do with anyone else currently in my life. The TV loves you no matter what. But I realize there's something wrong because I don't have an appetite. Me. Who loves food. Cant think of what to eat. Drink. Nada. Even going out doesnt seem fun anymore. I feel like all the people I go out with to " party " are really just there to fill that void of being alone.

I don't get it. all of it. Im just, so tired. Amazingly this is the first time Ive thought about this shiz in a while...havent written in a while...which is good and bad...it seems the only time I have inspiration is when I'm pissed of or depressed. Right now I guess I'm a little of both.

I am a 27 year old college graduate who has no job, bills to pay, no interesting relationship prospects, and no motivation. The only thing that keeps me going is the need to keep moving for fear of disolving away into the abyss of this large population.

The only time I feel like me is when I am in portugal, where I feel loved. Where my friends actually call me to hang out. Where I actually want to hang out with my friends. Where I can walk all night and enjoy the sounds of the ocean, watch the sun come up over the ripples of the tide coming in. I miss staying out all night with the people I can be myself with. The ones who when we say..."youre being a dumbass...stop it" we dont fall out of friendships because of it. We build them and they get stronger.

Just by writing this I am realizing I miss my friends. I miss the place I have always felt more at home. I miss Portugal, with all my heart. So I guess thats what helps make the hard decisions...do I give up a career I've been working for and move to a place I can breathe light and walk steadily, or do I continue here, waiting to see if it happens, waiting for the inevitable. Waiting.

Tired of being a rock

It amazes me how dating can affect a persons psyche. I have been a rock to a very close friend of mine and I'm really just done. I have to vent over this because I can't mentally take listening to the whining and crying of a grown man complaining how he's done it again- gone and picked a girl who cant handle him.

Every time he dates someone new, all he talks about is--she does this and that, and its so cute when....blah blah blah! I do not care! now its all- I think this is the last conversation we're going to have (no its not- you are in the same show together- you will see her for hte next month!)...

I can't take the desperation and then the whining about how he chooses these girls who just turn around and go back to their ex's. This is a man who needs a therapist. Alas, he things therapy is pointless. Funny- he kinda treats me like his therapist- but i've now stopped answering the phone. I can't do it. It wears me down. Im tired of being that person that everyone NEEDS to count on. Its too much pressure. I don't want it.

I have my own problems. I get emotional but I deal with it on my own. I hide. I don't text people and get needy....I get being there for someone, I do, I have done it alot. I think I am just done being understanding and a shoulder to cry on. GROWN MEN- need to learn that a 20 year old girl isnt going to be a life long partner after 2 weeks! stupid! I walk in to rehearsal and there's crying.

I'm tired of crying, whining, complaining, needing, its tiring and im exhausted. Im not a real therapist, I dont even want to be. I think there is a time and place to be pouty and huffy and its not in a rehearsal studio full of people.

SUCK IT UP...its just a girl...there will be others!


ok I think I've got most of it out of my system.

Where do I go wrong

They say that history repeates itself, they weren't lying. Who were "They" anyway, who gave them permission to put that terrible saying out there. I'm sure it plagues more and more people everyday. Bottom line is, it seems to be true, and it sucks.

MEN! How is it that they can love you, think youre amazing, cant wait to share experiences with you, and then the next they are MIA, no words, calls, emails, txt's, How busy can life be that a person cant even send a "Hi, how's your day going?" Or and "I'm just thinking about you, sorry life's so hectic for me right now." In the long run I would say, "He's just not that into" ME, but the fact is they dragggggg it out. A friend gave me a lot to think about the other day. He said, as busy as he gets, he still makes time to see the girl he is dating, he makes a point to show his interest. I get that work gets busy, I get that. But what I don't get is not giving a heads up to someone you've been dating for 2 months about how you wont have time for the next 2 weeks, not even to TALK...what the fuck kinda crap is that!!!

It amuses me and pisses me off that in those two months, I stuck by this guy when he had no home, not his own pot to piss in, when he was technically homeless. He made time amongst work in order to come out and have a beer with me for an hour, we didnt even have to go out, we could sit and watch a movie. He said I was "amazing"- (Ive got the txt to prove it!) But if I was so amazing, why would he put me through this hell now.

It seems like every guy Ive dated in the past year has decided to end things by just disappearing, don't they know its not that easy. Don't they realize they will have to confront their demons at some point. It's just disappointing when you finally go for a guy with morals and a good christian upbringing and he turns out to be the same kind of asshole as every other guy.

Its disheartening and friggin' depressing. I vowed I wouldn't allow myself to get all mushy so soon, and I didn't. Maybe in this situation it was my downfall. I said I would give him this week to step it up, but I dont know if my imaginative brain can take it very much longer. Life pretty much sucks right now.

Communication

Something I am apparently really bad at when it comes to relationships. I do self sabatoge. I dont understand how I do it. I seem disinterested I seem un caring and express things to someone who doesnt need to know it in the beginning.

I presented myself to someone I am starting to care about, someone i feel really nurturing towards, he looks at me now like i used to be a big slut who got trashed all the time and he doesnt know how to look at me anymore. The funny thing is even if i was permiscuous in the past, its the past. I wan't an okay person back then. I had my share of issues. But he is the first person that has ever made me feel like i should feel guilty for those choices. I never regret. I pride myself on not living with regrets. But Why then, now, do i feel so shitty. I tell myself that he wouldnt bring this up if he didnt care. I should have called him and talked about the way i said things that day but i was scared. I let fear get in the way of resolving a situation. A situation that now has settled for two days and now he has some major built up anger.

I dont know how to show how good a person I am. I dont know how to prove myself. Do i need to. should I care about this person who seems to make me feel bad about my past without trying to make me feel bad. I have so many thoughts running through my brain I dont know when they will slow down.

I texted him with nonshalant texts to see how he was doin and never wrote back, never called until today. He says I should have called him...he could have called me too. Said i needed to clear things up and talk about this bomb i dropped. In my mind its not a big deal. But it seems that this person tends to get between all my relationships. lately. I dont know what that means but maybe it means something.

I am hurting. I am confused. Lost. and in so much pain and scared s hitless that i have to go over to his house tonight and try to express who i really am, who I am today. I need to show him that i am not like other people. I am good. I am a good person. I made some bad choices in my life but i dont regret them and i wouldnt know they were bad if i didnt care. I wouldnt be who i am today if i hadnt made some of those decisions in my life.

I dont know if this is worth it anymore. I feel so much anger coming off of him. I thought he could be someone who i would really relate to, who wouldnt hold things against me. I just hope thats how he will be in judging the situation.

I just hope that im not trying to look for a relationship where there can never be one. Ive done that in the past as most of my friends know and I need to make a mark in changing my future so I dont repeat past mistakes.

Honesty---

So being honest isn't always the best thing to do. What happens when someone says the past doesnt matter but they they ask you a question that has to deal with the past. SHould youjust reply= Id rather not talk about it!? Not in my mind because that would cause only more speculation! So honesty was the route i took and it seems to be blowing up in my face. Well if it wasnt meant to be...again...it wasnt meant to be. Im just so tired of this bull shit. There are a lot of things wrong with him but for some reason i want it. I want to take the bad and find the good. Theres a lot of love in his heart hes just holding back because of fear.

Fear is evil. Why the hell are we so scared to be open with what we want and need? I dont think god wanted us to be afraid. He want's us to be ourselves. Good and Bad.

with the past, whatever sins ive commited against myself and my body are things I have to deal with and will be dealing with my whole life. I dont think it should determine who i am as a person. It is who i could have been but chose not to. I took the opportunity to change the way i was living my life. I am now happy, growing in the business, and wanting to take chances in my life that i havent wanted to do before.

I wish he could see me for the me i am now and not the me he never knew.

My Luck could be changing...lots of summary in this one!

So... I've been all about the no dating thing for almost a year! wow...but I've been doing things differently. No sex but Ive recently been on dates with a couple different guys. The first being a nice guy who thinks hes bad or trouble and he was really hard to break through to. He's just very lethargic in what he wants I think. I was trying to make it something it wasnt ever going to be. No real connection = Move on in my book. There's no time to waste on people who don't have the energy to give back. The second was a guy who was wayyyyyyy too in to his cats. Single, Living on his own, Dont know how old he was. Hes a nice guy, really great, artsy, talented. But maybe im prejudging, I just cant see why a single guy would live with three cats. One cat is acceptable even though its still a little strange. But 3 cats...the house looked like a human cat house, with ropes hanging from the ceiling and a perch for the cats/humans who want to climb up there.

Looked fun but I just wonder what a man of his age would be doing home alone messin around with his cats and prolly playing like they do. Also, the audacity to smoke weed alone before taking me to the beach to watch a sunset for 20 seconds...i didnt get to eat so i was starving and the best part of the date was when i was leaving!...



So i decided to try a different way of meeting people...Plentyoffish.com...I had talked to some people but no one really jumped out at me. Its pretty much a site like hotornot, people are vain and try too hard to look good. I think my profile really does show a good side of who I am but no one will be good enough for me I think.

Well, last friday at Rebeccas show, I saw a guy who intrigued me. He seemed unapproachable because of his look. Just shows ya that first impressions aren't always the true side of a person. Well I kept making eye contact with him and eventually saw that he was friends with Eric. Eric introduced us, Jason. A name to put with those eyes. Beautiful brown eyes. We talked a lil later outside for a few seconds, I found out he was 34, 10 years my senior. But he didnt look it at all. I decided he didnt seem that interested so i went back to talking to other people.



When we all got back to rebeccas, i decided to show Caitlin a guy on POF that would seem to be her type. The guys walked in and i was trying to get rid of a guy IM'ing me. Jason and Beruz came in and were commenting on POF and how Jason was on it too. We then had a start to what ended up being a 3 hour conversation.



We have so many things in common, with the fact of growing up catholic and now we both go to christian churches, we are both tired of the bullshit and drama, his brother is 12 years younger than he is, My sis and i are 12 years apart. ..more and more things that just seemed like GOD was hitting me over the head, saying take him now....The kicker was when i was leaving- He got a glimps of my birthmark and kind of had this shock on his face. I asked what?...he turned around and lifted his shirt and we both had a similar birth marks but on opposite sides. I have never met someone with the same kind of marking. It was strange and just another thing that rang true to me.



We ended up hanging out the sunday after- had a deep discussion at McClures that got me in tears, i was amazed how open and honest he was with me and let me have it for being stupid in past situations. He really made me realize that i cant be friends with guys who have fucked me over. I have been hurt, it has an affect on me and I shouldnt let that kind of negativity in to my life. I need to be done. Im in the process of doing that. But I just hope that if I do this, if i continue on my path of weeding out the negative in my life that it will lead to something great.



We ended up spending that night together and the whole next day together and its like this thing that you get a taste of...Like buying a new pair of jeans and wanting to wear them everyday but you cant. I havent seen him since monday, Its only been a collection of texts back and forth but I just cant stop from thinking about him. This is the part I hate.



I hate having that thing that takes all my attention away. I just want to get ot the finish line without going through the small stuff, but the small stuff is the fun stuff and I have to remember that. He seemed completely ready to explore what we could have but my brain just turns in negative...i see the possibility of getting hurt rather than the possibility of being really happy.

I dont know when I got to be so negative. But he gives me hope. I hope that I am right about my gut and that he is something special that I want to explore what kind of relationship we could have.



There are obstacles-my parents and their ideals because he is 10 years older than me with an 11 year old little boy...but the fact of the matter is that I DONT CARE....if anything, the devotion he has to his son is even more heartwarming and makes me want to see what love he has in his heart.

Its strange because my dad married my mom when my sister was 11, its almost like im in my dads shoes, a lot more lately. With the alcohol and the way ive been living my life. Jason and I would never have met if it hadnt been for rebeccas show that i was late for. He and I would never have seen each other on POF, or maybe we would have...but the fact is I am getting a chance to see where this chance could lead.



Im opening my heart again-Im scared to do it but im not scared of what i feel already for someone i barely know. I keep thinking about that idea that everyone was born with a counterpart and they make it through one life after the next searching for one another until they find each other. Some force of nature has a hold on our lives and it causes happiness and pain. Maybe were suppose to endure all the pain in order to see what true happiness is really about. Pure and simple love.