I wish I knew why I get into these funks. Lately its because it seems like everyone and their mother is getting engaged or married. Shit, I can't even go on a proper date! Maybe I've lost my edge...or....I've lost the desire to go out in general. I know I can't meet someone sitting in my room watching Television. But living vicariously through "The Secret Circle" of witches and their ability to control life even while being hunted by witch hunters seems to fill that void of happiness that has somehow sprung itself inside me, yet again.
I'm not jealous, I'm actually very happy for everyone who has found their mate for life...I think I mainly miss the feeling of WANTING to be with someone. I don't even have that desire. I just feel...tough. I don't really feel much of anything because I seem to be supressing it somehow.
Honestly I have a better relationship with my TV than I do with anyone else currently in my life. The TV loves you no matter what. But I realize there's something wrong because I don't have an appetite. Me. Who loves food. Cant think of what to eat. Drink. Nada. Even going out doesnt seem fun anymore. I feel like all the people I go out with to " party " are really just there to fill that void of being alone.
I don't get it. all of it. Im just, so tired. Amazingly this is the first time Ive thought about this shiz in a while...havent written in a while...which is good and bad...it seems the only time I have inspiration is when I'm pissed of or depressed. Right now I guess I'm a little of both.
I am a 27 year old college graduate who has no job, bills to pay, no interesting relationship prospects, and no motivation. The only thing that keeps me going is the need to keep moving for fear of disolving away into the abyss of this large population.
The only time I feel like me is when I am in portugal, where I feel loved. Where my friends actually call me to hang out. Where I actually want to hang out with my friends. Where I can walk all night and enjoy the sounds of the ocean, watch the sun come up over the ripples of the tide coming in. I miss staying out all night with the people I can be myself with. The ones who when we say..."youre being a dumbass...stop it" we dont fall out of friendships because of it. We build them and they get stronger.
Just by writing this I am realizing I miss my friends. I miss the place I have always felt more at home. I miss Portugal, with all my heart. So I guess thats what helps make the hard decisions...do I give up a career I've been working for and move to a place I can breathe light and walk steadily, or do I continue here, waiting to see if it happens, waiting for the inevitable. Waiting.
