Realife3D: Good, Bad and the Ugly

The Cleansing Phase

2011-11-13T23:38:00.000-08:00

So I have been cleansing my life of the negative. Trying to at least. I have cut back contact with those entities that draw me into the darkness and I am pushing upward to a life of happines and on the path to finding what I really want in this world.

This summer I met someone, facinating, strong, sexy, and smart. We spent the most interesting and rollercoasterish 4 days two people could spend. Probably had a whole relationships ups and downs and then parted ways. Only to speak again almost 3 months later. This is a man who made me feel beautiful, not by the way he looked at me or things he said but how he treated me, how he respected me. Im sure with a job like his he just likes to have fun and thats what we did, I let myself go and just enjoy the moment. Living life in the moment, for the first time ever really, without thinking what comes next. But after we parted ways and made plans to meet up again when he moved to california, my moment of happiness was ruined by the waiting game.

I decided that I wouldnt get hooked, so I gave him my email and my phone number. ...he never called. So I had already requested him on skype and after a month or so I gave up hope of hearing anything. After 2 months I turned to the phrase, if we're meant to talk again, we will. Almost 3 months and what happens...Saturday at 2:16 in the after noon I get a txt via skype. Hi give me a call. After 3 months...hi give me a call. I just saw it today. So I texted back, "I'm sure you are the busy one so call when ya get a chance!" And the next chapter begins. 10 minutes later I was talking to new zealand via skype on my handy dandy iPhone. He wanted to camera chat but alas, I am in no condition to show him what I look like via computer when I'm in PJS and hair undone, especially after 3 months....So he came and went and will return again in January....

It will be interesting to see what the future has in store. January. It's not so far away. And now, at least, we are communicating.

God works in mysterious ways. All the praying for signs and for the security to know everything will be good in the end. I think he's finally talking to me. Or. Maybe it's that I am now open enough to listen. I am thankful for new life. New love. And....whatever may come next.

Falling down...yet again...

2011-10-30T00:05:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew why I get into these funks. Lately its because it seems like everyone and their mother is getting engaged or married. Shit, I can't even go on a proper date! Maybe I've lost my edge...or....I've lost the desire to go out in general. I know I can't meet someone sitting in my room watching Television. But living vicariously through "The Secret Circle" of witches and their ability to control life even while being hunted by witch hunters seems to fill that void of happiness that has somehow sprung itself inside me, yet again.

I'm not jealous, I'm actually very happy for everyone who has found their mate for life...I think I mainly miss the feeling of WANTING to be with someone. I don't even have that desire. I just feel...tough. I don't really feel much of anything because I seem to be supressing it somehow.

Honestly I have a better relationship with my TV than I do with anyone else currently in my life. The TV loves you no matter what. But I realize there's something wrong because I don't have an appetite. Me. Who loves food. Cant think of what to eat. Drink. Nada. Even going out doesnt seem fun anymore. I feel like all the people I go out with to " party " are really just there to fill that void of being alone.

I don't get it. all of it. Im just, so tired. Amazingly this is the first time Ive thought about this shiz in a while...havent written in a while...which is good and bad...it seems the only time I have inspiration is when I'm pissed of or depressed. Right now I guess I'm a little of both.

I am a 27 year old college graduate who has no job, bills to pay, no interesting relationship prospects, and no motivation. The only thing that keeps me going is the need to keep moving for fear of disolving away into the abyss of this large population.

The only time I feel like me is when I am in portugal, where I feel loved. Where my friends actually call me to hang out. Where I actually want to hang out with my friends. Where I can walk all night and enjoy the sounds of the ocean, watch the sun come up over the ripples of the tide coming in. I miss staying out all night with the people I can be myself with. The ones who when we say..."youre being a dumbass...stop it" we dont fall out of friendships because of it. We build them and they get stronger.

Just by writing this I am realizing I miss my friends. I miss the place I have always felt more at home. I miss Portugal, with all my heart. So I guess thats what helps make the hard decisions...do I give up a career I've been working for and move to a place I can breathe light and walk steadily, or do I continue here, waiting to see if it happens, waiting for the inevitable. Waiting.

Tired of being a rock

2011-03-03T01:57:00.000-08:00

It amazes me how dating can affect a persons psyche. I have been a rock to a very close friend of mine and I'm really just done. I have to vent over this because I can't mentally take listening to the whining and crying of a grown man complaining how he's done it again- gone and picked a girl who cant handle him.

Every time he dates someone new, all he talks about is--she does this and that, and its so cute when....blah blah blah! I do not care! now its all- I think this is the last conversation we're going to have (no its not- you are in the same show together- you will see her for hte next month!)...

I can't take the desperation and then the whining about how he chooses these girls who just turn around and go back to their ex's. This is a man who needs a therapist. Alas, he things therapy is pointless. Funny- he kinda treats me like his therapist- but i've now stopped answering the phone. I can't do it. It wears me down. Im tired of being that person that everyone NEEDS to count on. Its too much pressure. I don't want it.

I have my own problems. I get emotional but I deal with it on my own. I hide. I don't text people and get needy....I get being there for someone, I do, I have done it alot. I think I am just done being understanding and a shoulder to cry on. GROWN MEN- need to learn that a 20 year old girl isnt going to be a life long partner after 2 weeks! stupid! I walk in to rehearsal and there's crying.

I'm tired of crying, whining, complaining, needing, its tiring and im exhausted. Im not a real therapist, I dont even want to be. I think there is a time and place to be pouty and huffy and its not in a rehearsal studio full of people.

SUCK IT UP...its just a girl...there will be others!

ok I think I've got most of it out of my system.

Where do I go wrong

2010-04-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

They say that history repeates itself, they weren't lying. Who were "They" anyway, who gave them permission to put that terrible saying out there. I'm sure it plagues more and more people everyday. Bottom line is, it seems to be true, and it sucks.

MEN! How is it that they can love you, think youre amazing, cant wait to share experiences with you, and then the next they are MIA, no words, calls, emails, txt's, How busy can life be that a person cant even send a "Hi, how's your day going?" Or and "I'm just thinking about you, sorry life's so hectic for me right now." In the long run I would say, "He's just not that into" ME, but the fact is they dragggggg it out. A friend gave me a lot to think about the other day. He said, as busy as he gets, he still makes time to see the girl he is dating, he makes a point to show his interest. I get that work gets busy, I get that. But what I don't get is not giving a heads up to someone you've been dating for 2 months about how you wont have time for the next 2 weeks, not even to TALK...what the fuck kinda crap is that!!!

It amuses me and pisses me off that in those two months, I stuck by this guy when he had no home, not his own pot to piss in, when he was technically homeless. He made time amongst work in order to come out and have a beer with me for an hour, we didnt even have to go out, we could sit and watch a movie. He said I was "amazing"- (Ive got the txt to prove it!) But if I was so amazing, why would he put me through this hell now.

It seems like every guy Ive dated in the past year has decided to end things by just disappearing, don't they know its not that easy. Don't they realize they will have to confront their demons at some point. It's just disappointing when you finally go for a guy with morals and a good christian upbringing and he turns out to be the same kind of asshole as every other guy.

Its disheartening and friggin' depressing. I vowed I wouldn't allow myself to get all mushy so soon, and I didn't. Maybe in this situation it was my downfall. I said I would give him this week to step it up, but I dont know if my imaginative brain can take it very much longer. Life pretty much sucks right now.

Communication

2009-04-07T15:18:00.000-07:00

Something I am apparently really bad at when it comes to relationships. I do self sabatoge. I dont understand how I do it. I seem disinterested I seem un caring and express things to someone who doesnt need to know it in the beginning.

I presented myself to someone I am starting to care about, someone i feel really nurturing towards, he looks at me now like i used to be a big slut who got trashed all the time and he doesnt know how to look at me anymore. The funny thing is even if i was permiscuous in the past, its the past. I wan't an okay person back then. I had my share of issues. But he is the first person that has ever made me feel like i should feel guilty for those choices. I never regret. I pride myself on not living with regrets. But Why then, now, do i feel so shitty. I tell myself that he wouldnt bring this up if he didnt care. I should have called him and talked about the way i said things that day but i was scared. I let fear get in the way of resolving a situation. A situation that now has settled for two days and now he has some major built up anger.

I dont know how to show how good a person I am. I dont know how to prove myself. Do i need to. should I care about this person who seems to make me feel bad about my past without trying to make me feel bad. I have so many thoughts running through my brain I dont know when they will slow down.

I texted him with nonshalant texts to see how he was doin and never wrote back, never called until today. He says I should have called him...he could have called me too. Said i needed to clear things up and talk about this bomb i dropped. In my mind its not a big deal. But it seems that this person tends to get between all my relationships. lately. I dont know what that means but maybe it means something.

I am hurting. I am confused. Lost. and in so much pain and scared s hitless that i have to go over to his house tonight and try to express who i really am, who I am today. I need to show him that i am not like other people. I am good. I am a good person. I made some bad choices in my life but i dont regret them and i wouldnt know they were bad if i didnt care. I wouldnt be who i am today if i hadnt made some of those decisions in my life.

I dont know if this is worth it anymore. I feel so much anger coming off of him. I thought he could be someone who i would really relate to, who wouldnt hold things against me. I just hope thats how he will be in judging the situation.

I just hope that im not trying to look for a relationship where there can never be one. Ive done that in the past as most of my friends know and I need to make a mark in changing my future so I dont repeat past mistakes.

Honesty---

2009-04-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

So being honest isn't always the best thing to do. What happens when someone says the past doesnt matter but they they ask you a question that has to deal with the past. SHould youjust reply= Id rather not talk about it!? Not in my mind because that would cause only more speculation! So honesty was the route i took and it seems to be blowing up in my face. Well if it wasnt meant to be...again...it wasnt meant to be. Im just so tired of this bull shit. There are a lot of things wrong with him but for some reason i want it. I want to take the bad and find the good. Theres a lot of love in his heart hes just holding back because of fear.

Fear is evil. Why the hell are we so scared to be open with what we want and need? I dont think god wanted us to be afraid. He want's us to be ourselves. Good and Bad.

with the past, whatever sins ive commited against myself and my body are things I have to deal with and will be dealing with my whole life. I dont think it should determine who i am as a person. It is who i could have been but chose not to. I took the opportunity to change the way i was living my life. I am now happy, growing in the business, and wanting to take chances in my life that i havent wanted to do before.

I wish he could see me for the me i am now and not the me he never knew.

My Luck could be changing...lots of summary in this one!

2009-04-02T16:43:00.001-07:00

So... I've been all about the no dating thing for almost a year! wow...but I've been doing things differently. No sex but Ive recently been on dates with a couple different guys. The first being a nice guy who thinks hes bad or trouble and he was really hard to break through to. He's just very lethargic in what he wants I think. I was trying to make it something it wasnt ever going to be. No real connection = Move on in my book. There's no time to waste on people who don't have the energy to give back. The second was a guy who was wayyyyyyy too in to his cats. Single, Living on his own, Dont know how old he was. Hes a nice guy, really great, artsy, talented. But maybe im prejudging, I just cant see why a single guy would live with three cats. One cat is acceptable even though its still a little strange. But 3 cats...the house looked like a human cat house, with ropes hanging from the ceiling and a perch for the cats/humans who want to climb up there.

Looked fun but I just wonder what a man of his age would be doing home alone messin around with his cats and prolly playing like they do. Also, the audacity to smoke weed alone before taking me to the beach to watch a sunset for 20 seconds...i didnt get to eat so i was starving and the best part of the date was when i was leaving!...

So i decided to try a different way of meeting people...Plentyoffish.com...I had talked to some people but no one really jumped out at me. Its pretty much a site like hotornot, people are vain and try too hard to look good. I think my profile really does show a good side of who I am but no one will be good enough for me I think.

Well, last friday at Rebeccas show, I saw a guy who intrigued me. He seemed unapproachable because of his look. Just shows ya that first impressions aren't always the true side of a person. Well I kept making eye contact with him and eventually saw that he was friends with Eric. Eric introduced us, Jason. A name to put with those eyes. Beautiful brown eyes. We talked a lil later outside for a few seconds, I found out he was 34, 10 years my senior. But he didnt look it at all. I decided he didnt seem that interested so i went back to talking to other people.

When we all got back to rebeccas, i decided to show Caitlin a guy on POF that would seem to be her type. The guys walked in and i was trying to get rid of a guy IM'ing me. Jason and Beruz came in and were commenting on POF and how Jason was on it too. We then had a start to what ended up being a 3 hour conversation.

We have so many things in common, with the fact of growing up catholic and now we both go to christian churches, we are both tired of the bullshit and drama, his brother is 12 years younger than he is, My sis and i are 12 years apart. ..more and more things that just seemed like GOD was hitting me over the head, saying take him now....The kicker was when i was leaving- He got a glimps of my birthmark and kind of had this shock on his face. I asked what?...he turned around and lifted his shirt and we both had a similar birth marks but on opposite sides. I have never met someone with the same kind of marking. It was strange and just another thing that rang true to me.

We ended up hanging out the sunday after- had a deep discussion at McClures that got me in tears, i was amazed how open and honest he was with me and let me have it for being stupid in past situations. He really made me realize that i cant be friends with guys who have fucked me over. I have been hurt, it has an affect on me and I shouldnt let that kind of negativity in to my life. I need to be done. Im in the process of doing that. But I just hope that if I do this, if i continue on my path of weeding out the negative in my life that it will lead to something great.

We ended up spending that night together and the whole next day together and its like this thing that you get a taste of...Like buying a new pair of jeans and wanting to wear them everyday but you cant. I havent seen him since monday, Its only been a collection of texts back and forth but I just cant stop from thinking about him. This is the part I hate.

I hate having that thing that takes all my attention away. I just want to get ot the finish line without going through the small stuff, but the small stuff is the fun stuff and I have to remember that. He seemed completely ready to explore what we could have but my brain just turns in negative...i see the possibility of getting hurt rather than the possibility of being really happy.

I dont know when I got to be so negative. But he gives me hope. I hope that I am right about my gut and that he is something special that I want to explore what kind of relationship we could have.

There are obstacles-my parents and their ideals because he is 10 years older than me with an 11 year old little boy...but the fact of the matter is that I DONT CARE....if anything, the devotion he has to his son is even more heartwarming and makes me want to see what love he has in his heart.

Its strange because my dad married my mom when my sister was 11, its almost like im in my dads shoes, a lot more lately. With the alcohol and the way ive been living my life. Jason and I would never have met if it hadnt been for rebeccas show that i was late for. He and I would never have seen each other on POF, or maybe we would have...but the fact is I am getting a chance to see where this chance could lead.

Im opening my heart again-Im scared to do it but im not scared of what i feel already for someone i barely know. I keep thinking about that idea that everyone was born with a counterpart and they make it through one life after the next searching for one another until they find each other. Some force of nature has a hold on our lives and it causes happiness and pain. Maybe were suppose to endure all the pain in order to see what true happiness is really about. Pure and simple love.

Inspiration out the door

2009-03-11T01:36:00.000-07:00

I was on my way home tonight from hanging out with a good friend and I had such a good feeling fuel through me. An epiphany I guess you could say, about all i want to do and how i want to live my life. Music and art and care free. I want to be able to sit on the beach and jam or write. I want to fuel my passion through the earth and the beauty that surrounds us and the world that we often times forget to stop and look at.

The rain washes away the dirt and the sun dries up the rain, our world has a way of cleaning itself and all we tend to do is clutter and make it ugly as beautiful as it is. I have always had passion inside me, I just never know where to look to see what I should do with that passion. I try writing but I can never collect my thoughts. I have so many things that I want to do in my life. Europe on no money, work my way from city to city. I would love to do that! soooo why don't I. Why don't I pick up and experience life, the world the environment around me.

I only have one thing that comes to mind. I want to experience all of that with someone. I dont want to have the stories and no memories to share, no secret love for what weve experienced. I think that is why I want to bring friends from here with me to portugal, so I can explore with them, to show them, teach them something and have them teach me. That is why my relationship with Joel(aka the brazilian) was so special to me. We saw things, we taught each other things, we made love, I havent felt loved by a man the way he made me feel. Passion. It fuels so many things, passion for life. I have passion for life and living and I cant keep sitting on my ass and in a concrete building. I need to get out there.

I am tired of seeing the concrete, the pollution, the destruction. I know there is beauty still surviving. Beauty in people, in the earth. I'm prolly on a hippie kick but I just want to experience life, we were given this once change to feel things and experience things and people are so scared...scared shitless of being nothing, of not leaving their mark. We all leave a mark, it just depends of if youve left a good mark or one thats going to help with the destruction of this beautiful life we have been given. Who knows how it was given, who knows why? Who cares? We are here and we need to make the most of it. We werent made to sit in boxes looking at a screen all day.

We werent given these amazing brains, the ability to create if we weren't suppose to be using them to create things to make this world better. We are all born and we will all die. Its this precious time the 80 years, maybe, that we are here to show and do something to keep this amazing planet alive. It's really amazing. And we don't notice it enough.

DREAMS: Luke Perry

2009-03-10T17:34:00.000-07:00

Sooooo I always love when I have random dreams with friends and people I dont know in them...and they happen to be in color. So last night:

I go to church with grayce and traycee i think and i know anthony was there for some reason and alex walters. I asked alex how to get to the restrooms and he couldnt really give me detailed directions so i went to figure it out on my own after he tried to draw it on a piece of paper. Sooo i go to the stairs and take it down to a hallway where there were tons of people, grayce and traycee ended up there too...then went in and out and was suppose to go up another stairwell or elevator. so we try to race some other people by taking the elevator because we thought that would be faster...who knows why. We end up going against tons of people to get back up the stairs because everyone else was going toward the elevator. The building seemed like a run down high school. Until we get in to this hall- a great hall that had four different ways to go...it looks familiar to me- like something i may have seen in europe in a museum or something. so i seperate from my friends who went to wait to get back in the main room where the band was playing, i walked through a different door and heard the beatles songs being sung by all all black baptist choir, i ended up getting the mic and harmonizing with them and walking around meeting people. Anthony ended up in this room- it was laid out like a church but missin a wall where there was an ocean. I see a bunch of people groovin on this tiny boat and there is LUKE PERRY...jammin out. The boat came ashore and he started jokin with us about something, then Dunkin showed up and it seemed like they knew each other. Luke put on some big parka kinda of jacket that was Camo and inflated itself...and he went swimming in the ocean...its pitch black and theres a harbor patrol boat shinning a light into the water he swims up behind them as they pass and gets out joking with us about how he is invisible.

NO CLUE why I had sucha vivid dream...church...water and Luke perry goin nuts. But he seemed really chill in my dream. I was thinking maybe i watched something with him in it but i didnt before goin to bed and havent seen anything hes done in ages. SOOOO who knows. My mind never ceases to amaze me!

Security

2009-03-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

Security- it's all something we want and sometimes don't know the best ways to go about getting it. Whether Security be that in a relationship or in career, in home life, or in financial life. Its something we all want. But there never is enough security. Things can change so quickly and you could never know what hit ya. My Goal for this week is to try and be secure with myself. I am a great person. I am talented(somewhat) I have friends who care about me and I care about them(fuck all the ones who dont) and I have a family who (while crazy and emotional) still supports me in what I want to do. I like men, I don't need to feel secure in a relationship because by trying TOO hard I will in turn push that person away sooooo...secure with the fact that I don't NEED anyone, I just want to spend time with someone(whoever that someone may be).

I think I am going to try to set goals for myself every week. No thinking badly about myself. No sulking. If I sulk I will put my time in to writing and let my feelings out that way. Hopefully in to poetry or a script. I am going to try my luck at new things...SO my goals for this week are : to find security within myself and to not drink until st. pattys day!

randomness of the mind

2009-03-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

I find it funny that the only time I feel like writing on this thing is when Im pissed off or depressed. That seems to be a lot lately. I wish I wasn't feeling like Im hopeless. I know in my mind Im not but the rest of me isnt so sure. I think I just really miss being wanted by someone other than my close friends. And even that definition has changed lately. My friends, or the circles at least, have shifted. I feel like I'm being pushed out of one and gaining another which is great, its a positive group but I miss the past. I know we can't live in the past but I miss it. I only miss it because its still right in front of me. Part of me wants to pick up and move as far away from here as possible. Start fresh. I love starting fresh. You can change who you are or finally be who you are. Im still young enough to decide what I want to do so maybe, who knows. I really want to try out the east coast. I would love to move to boston or New Hampshire and live with my cousin Jude but I can't say that I would be happy there. It does get really cold haha. There's always portugal. The bar. My friends over there. They will always be there for me. My friends and portugal are the least fickle, the least changing. I know i will always have them through any thing. Even the bad times when i know they are being dicks. Its a never changing environment. No one is jealous of the other, its simple. I like that.

I wrote a long letter to my ex, Joel, the other day. I pretty much just said I understand why he thinks we cant be together and that even though were so different and it would probably never work out, he is still and will probably always be the love of my life. I know its cheezy but the way that Stephanie Meyers talks about the love between Edward and Bella in the Twilight series is spot on. Its a love you cannot fight no matter how far away. Its only similar in my case because we are from different walks of life, we have different languages and different ways of communicating. I wish I could jump on a plane-again-and fly to barcelona to see him. But it would most likely be harder on me than him when it came time for me to leave. Theres always that...me leaving. What if one day I didn't. Anyway, he wrote back saying he im on his mind all the time-i dont know if its true but i dont doubt it. He wasnt to call me but Im afraid my portuguese isnt as good as it once was. I wish I would just meet someone who makes me forget him. Gabe came close until he didn't come any closer. Its the ones who love me that are the smart ones-they stay away. The crazy ones just want to use me. well at least thats how it feels. I suppose they feel like its a mutual help but to me sex isnt fun anymore if it isnt with someone i have strong feelings for. Sure its fun but Ill feel like shit afterwards soooo 10 months sticks...Im suprised I havent faltered. I dont know how Ive made it this far but Im still goin strong for now. Well see how long.

Family-Shock-Picking up the pieces

2009-03-02T23:29:00.000-08:00

The last thing I expected to hear tonight in a phone call from my best friend was " my brother and sister in law were found murdered this morning." As I have a pool cue and a vodka gimlet in my hand, I needed help to stabalize thanks to JMD who was there. But I can only imagine what must be going through their minds tonight. When I got there it was family and a few close friends, wanting to know whats going on, wanting to give comfort, and some pissed trying to come to grips with what is happening. How is that in one moment a whole world can be torn in pieces. Tiny pieces. Not just within their family but spreading out to the community around them. I don't know how I can help. I knew I had to go there, I know I just have to be there for her when she needs me and other than that keep my distance. I hate seeing people I love in pain. But the fact that I was randomly together with two of my other best friends and we all were there for the phone call- GOD was putting his touch on a desperate and painful experience. We were all suppose to be there when she called me and I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them near me.

I think about all the bull shit. All my complaining about men and feeling wanted and being wanted for myself and not a vision of what they think I am or who I was. I need to keep putting myself in check and realizing that FAMILY above all is most important. I love my sister. I don't know what I would do if I didnt have her anymore. That is all I could think about. And what would happen to the children. I know we all have the right to have our issues and vent but tonight i was re-affirmed that God is showing himself to me. There is no valid explaination other than that at this point in time because if I hadnt been in LA due to JMD taking me off my lazy depressed ass and forcing me to go to an audition, I would never have been close to RF and never would have answered the phone call because I would have been lazy in my friggin dark hole that is my bedroom.

JMD reminded me of how lucky we are to have each other and to have those friends that care. I made a status, stupid status shit! that said...Finding out who my real friends are...an interesting thing actually. Well seeing the love that people have for one another under horrible circumstances makes me know that I have more people that care about me than I know and the ones that matter will always be there for me, good times and bad times...stupid relationships or not. I know I may not see my friends everyday and that prolly cuts me a bit but I need to learn to heal myself, to trust others. I dont want to be the person who has no faith in the good of people. I saw tonight that love transcends problems and boundaries. LOVE heals.

I hope, the souls of the dead can find peace. I hope the children involved are brought to the home that can care for them and nurture them the best way possible. I pray to god to give my friend and her family strength to see that whoever did this has justice of the law brought upon them. And strength to heal. I hope we can all keep the good thoughts flowing and pray for my friend and her family. Thank you guys for reading this...its been a rough night.

Good Days vs. Bad Days

2009-03-01T18:22:00.000-08:00

It's hard trying to be positive all the time. I know I am a good person but...there's always the but, isn't there....I feel like I could be so much better. I get on these highs and then hit really low lows that just dont feel sane. I don't even know why. It all started cuz I wanted to try dating again...I feel stronger but I'm so exhausted-my brain-how much I think- makes me exhausted and I dont want to do it anymore. I wish I could just turn off my brain and be happy.

I guess I just feel that I've had the best I'm going to have and now I won't ever be happy again. I know I will be happy from day to day but the happiness I felt without worrying whether or not I was going to be with that person the rest of my life or not because I thought I was. I dont think that made much sense but anyway.... I just wish I knew...I wish I could see my future and KNOW that I will be okay, that I will be happy again. I am just tired of the games and obstacles I have to go through to maybe see if I can be happy with someone. Shit. I just want to go on a real date again. Last time I went on a date was with Eric who is fantastic but unfortunately I dont want the fantastic ones, I want the ones who are a complete mystery to me, the ones I get nervous around. I guess I just don't want to be in the dark. It sucks sometimes not knowing where life is going to lead you. My WHOLE life is like that...i chose the wrong profession for someone who wants security, I have no knowledge of where I will be or could be in 5 years...I want to know where I stand by the time im 30.

Its prolly just getting to me that im going to be 25 and I feel like I've done nothing with my life. I am not ready to give up on performing and trying my luck in the business because that is all I have ever wanted or thought I wanted. I will mostlikely end up teaching later on in life but not yet. I cannot settle in order to feel comfortable. I just don't understand why I cant teach and do theatre for fun. I wish my brain would allow me that but I only think of it as a stepping stone, not the final career goals Ive been working for since I could walk at 8 months old.

I need a kick in the ass as far as career and a slap in the face as far as men. I used to be so good at forcing myself to keep going...now Its getting harder and harder to be optimistic!

On to the next phase

2009-02-24T23:25:00.000-08:00

So I've been in this zone of restricting myself of things I used to love, mainly sex, but cutting back on alcohol is the next phase... Until recently I went a little over 9 months without any form of sexual contact, I'm not including kissing, there was some of that-Im not that nuts. But Ive been trying to figure out who I am, as a woman, without needing the approval from a man, as far as my insecurities used to go.

I used to get a high off of knowing I could pick up a guy and have fun, maybe hold on to him for a little while. This all happened years ago when I came in to my sexuality. After about a year and a half, maybe even two, of going a bit insane, I decided I didn't like the come down after the high. It was great feeling on top of the world but then I ended up alone...AGAIN...

These men, some of them friends, were using me for the same kind of release and euphoria that I was using them for. Im no expert but I think that men let it go and women hold on to that feeling of being alone....kind of like cuddling after sex.

I was never a cuddler...I was happy that I could turn to my side and pass out afterwards without the need to feel comforted. I had been with men who liked cuddling and so I did it, not very long but I felt the need to please. Im a people pleaser. It was sometimes to the point where I started jeopardizing how I felt inside just so I didnt hurt someone else's feelings. Sometimes this resorted in doing things I wasn't prepared to do or just down right didnt want to. I've been backed in to some very horrible and awkward corners where I felt that it was impossible to get out of unless I ...pleased. Even with some friends, who I still consider friends to this day.

Life doesn't have an owners manual. Our hearts don't have an instruction booklet. Our bodies are the objects that help us develop our choices and our emotions in situations. I didn't know if I actually liked the act of making love or just the high I got from being in control. So...I stopped. Cold turkey. Its kinda been like quitting alcohol for me. There have been moments of weakness. Where I could have fallen off the wagon and in to the same lap of the person who made me feel insecure and unworthy and low because I wanted them to be happy, I put their happiness in front of mine and that is not okay. Especially when the other person has no quams about my feelings.

I feel that in my time off I have come to understand the importance of being with someone I actually care about. Someone who wants to be with me and not only for one night. I think that in my past encounters with a good friend of mine, I was hopeful that one day he would see me as more than a friend, he knew my feelings, he knew I wanted more and had for 4 or 5 years but we continued to keep it friendly.Passionately friendly. He was not the obeject of the turning point in my life, he was just the spark that lit the gas that was already being released. I had put myself in that position too many times. I wanted him, I gave him the chance on more than one occasion, more than years apart and I wasnt what he wanted. I dont hold it against him, I just needed to find someone that did want to be with me. It's been 9 months and 20 days give or take... and I am amazed at myself for lasting this long.

I don't know how much I have learned I do know that I am done screwing around with people who screw around with my heart. I am a good person, I have had my doubts in the past of my good intentions and bad intentions but overall I am a good person. I deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. The real lesson I guess I have learned is that I need to be careful with my heart, I've put it through so much, so many hard times, so many times where I have lied to myself. I cannot continue to do that. I am working on me, to be better, to be honest, I might go down some wrong paths some more but I know that I will never forget who I am in the process.

Life is beautiful

2009-02-20T15:14:00.000-08:00

It amazes me how you can know someone for so many years and then still continue to learn things about them, and then there are the people you THOUGHT you knew and turns out whoever they are now is completely different from who you knew them to be.

I love life, I love seeing how things work, sometimes it doesnt work for the better. I feel like I am being overly tested lately, but maybe thats just god showing me whats up. Its almost like he's playing jokes. For some reason I feel like I am failing a pretty big test but it feels so good to not do the completely right thing. And who's to say that what I am doing isn't right. No one has been physically hurt- not yet at least- and I'm happy learning and experiencing life a bit differently.

I also realize that I'm not as liked as I thought I was. It seems that friends I thought were good friends, don't see me as a good friend. I've stopped getting invited places, for birthdays and other holiday gatherings and its sad. I feel rather lost. I have a select group of people I hang out with but it seems like I'm loosing a lot of other people I really care about. But why should I care if they dont care for me. The past repeating itself is getting a bit old. I have lost so many friends in the past year...I originally thought of it as cleansing my spirit-kicking out the negative and honing in the the positive but it still hurts. I pretend to be okay. But I'm really not.

I definitly have good days and bad days and some days where im just lost... I had said back in december that in January I was going to start seeing someone, well I haven't even found the someone I want to see. I don't trust people, I somewhat trust my friends but I think I am scared of hearing opinions from someone I dont know. Maybe I do have something wrong with my brain. Maybe im more depressed than I think. I feel a lot better, october, noveber and december were SOOOO bad, I look back and am actually scared for myself. I think that maybe its cabin fever. I almost feel like I am falling in to that black abyss again but I am mostly sure it is because I am not acting, Im not doing much of anything at the moment. Just going to auditions. I am teaching the choreography at the school but its not enough. I guess if I was in a relationship, I could feel more open to be myself and talk things through but I'm alone.

ALONE. Even when we are surrounded by people, we are the only ones who know everything going on in our heads. We are always shut away from everyone. No one needs to know who is doing poorly because on the outside we look fine. Its funny too because I think that if someone were to show their true thoughts, no one would respond the way they should because really, we dont care to know what is goin on in someone elses brain because we are too worried about hiding ourselves and what we are thinking. Sometimes this comes off as Pompus, stuck up, disinterested but really we are all scared in our shells. Im sick of being scared but even in this journaling-blogging crap I wont ever divulge my true feelings completely because someone will get hurt. Maybe myself.

I was told I over think... well? am I overthinking more than others do? My dad thinks I should go back to school for Psych....its a thought.

The Day Before Tomorrow

2009-02-18T21:37:00.001-08:00

The day before tomorrow and I'm standing tall

Its almost like a dream now, like I never took that fall

I still feel you lingering, your thoughts out in space

Your desires still penetrate, but I'm beginning to forget your face

It's taking time to heal, from the pain you've put me through

But I know that soon I'll feel, refreshed, rejuvinated, whole, like I used to

It's the day before tomorrow and I'm keeping my head high

I don't need to dwell upon this "kissing you gives me butterflies"

This is only an infatuation, so maybe it's lasted 15 years

But tomorrow is another day, I'll push through it with no tears.

You spoke of marriage, you spoke of love

So many things you seemed so sure of

So what was so wrong that you couldn't, wouldn't even try

What is so hard that you always leave without a proper goodbye

This time I'm the strong one, you won't bring me down

I'm moving on to something better, at least for right now